The Green Piece

Sammy on the News

2012-02-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

Last night, Michael Ririe had an open house in Orem, Utah to display his photographs of some of the kids at Now I Can. Bryan (brother-in-law) went with some friends and said he was impressed with the show. I so wish I could have been there with her.

Tonight while talking to Bryan, he told me that a friend of his saw Sammy on the news. Hm. Then, I went to facebook and sure enough, I had people telling me that they saw our little Sammy on the news.

And, now, so have we. Watch the clip here.

Fasting and Answered Prayers

2012-02-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

hmm I'm not sure where to begin, or how to actually begin, yet, I feel like I should write. wow, that makes me sound so important...must. write. as if I'm on my last breath of air and need to get "my story" out there or something. gag. Nevertheless, I do feel like I need to write this down.

A couple weeks ago, we had stake conference. Elder Hainey was our visiting authority and during the adult session, he talked about missionary work. At one point, he addressed those who truly wanted to be involved with missionary work but just couldn't fathom how..."I don't know anyone," "I never have the opportunities," etc. And though I did feel more motivated to boldly share what I believe in (if even only by example to my friends as he discussed), I felt prompted, spiritually nudged. There have been many things on my mind, and something he said clicked. Even though my issue(s) isn't (aren't) about missionary work, he gave me my answer...and that night Marcus and I discussed it.

What was that nugget of wisdom? Fast. I fast once a month. The first Sunday of the month is typically set aside as a time when the members of the church, and anyone else who would like to join, fasts for 2 meals. I struggle with it. I do. I get cranky when I'm hungry. But I recognize that it's a way for me to more thoughtfully pray and seek the Lord's will. What Elder Hainey suggested was that...if there is something we truly care about, we need to show the Lord we are serious about it. That involves sacrifice. He suggested: fast...but not just on Fast Sunday. Fast on another day. Show Him that you are serious about your desires.

Am I serious? And if I'm serious, am I willing to sacrifice?

I decided I was.

A little later, there were new developments (not great ones) with our nephew, Nathaniel. This guy has been through so much...and so have his parents. It's a difficult experience to be at the mercy of doctors you don't trust and to feel like progress isn't happening as it should...or, that the situation is actually becoming worse with each doctor appointment. I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by sharing the experience we all shared...buuuut...

We received a phone call explaining that Nate's parents were notified by the pediatrician that their child had developed an abnormality from being in a hospital bed for too long. It had developed in his hip and he may be wheelchair-bound. They should consult an orthopedic surgeon to see if surgery was an option. I immediately went into therapy mode -- "Well, the bones aren't quite set yet...malleable...with enough therapy...the right kind of therapy...if you can get him to crawl...Sammy did this exercise for her hips..."

A couple days later, I remembered what Elder Hainey had said. If we're serious about this nearly 2 year old child getting better, we need to sacrifice. I talked to Marcus and we coordinated a family fast. I'm not sure who all participated in it, but an email went out to the extended family. I informed them that we would be fasting and praying that whatever miracles Nathaniel stood in need of would be granted him and if it be His will, Nate would be healed. I was thinking along the lines of...get the trach out, start breathing on his own and being able to eat food instead of needing his g-tube...start crawling/moving, etc. But, even if that miracle was hearts softened, feeling peace and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength during this time -- a clearer perspective -- we were fasting and praying for it. That was probably the most sincere fast I've had in awhile, but I still gratefully broke my fast at lunch!

Yesterday, I received a call from Scott. They were coming home from the hospital where they met with the orthopedic surgeon. How did it go?

"Yeah, well, he came in, looked at Nate, moved his legs around a little bit, and said he wasn't worried about it. We could follow up in a few months but he didn't see any big concern."

"You're telling me that your pediatrician made you worry like that for nothing? What an idiot! Seriously. I'm all for being thorough, but at least she could have said, 'I see something, let's just get it looked at.' Instead, you freak out...over, basically, nothing?! That doctor."

Yep. That was my attitude. I was so annoyed with their pediatrician. It wasn't until that night when Colin got home and I told him.

"So all that stress over nothing."

"Or maybe it was something, but it's not now."

Stopped. Dead. In. My. Pride. Yeah, here I was thinking that the doctor was a jerk (and truthfully, she did handle it unprofessionally), that they ought to get a new doctor, that that that...and then boom. I felt this rush of...of course -- our fast...and then embarrassed. Here I was, the one who was going to put all her faith in fasting and got the family involved, and I was so s l o w to even recognize the Lord's hand in this. Yet it was the first thing that Colin thought. It was the first thing that my mother-in-law thought. It was nearly the first thing Analisa thought.

I then, thought...about this all last night. And despite the 3 hours of sleep I got last night (because Marcus is out of town and what I'm pretty sure was an animal -- at least I hope -- in the backyard was freaking me out), I woke up so happy, excited, and energized. I truly believe it's because I feel the Spirit so strongly since I said a prayer of thanks.

I have no question in my mind that Nathaniel was healed. That that was a small miracle. Perhaps with the right therapies, work, stress, perhaps surgery, and...whatever...his hip would have corrected itself. And I really do believe it would have. But I also believe ~ or choose to believe perhaps ~ that we are witnesses to a miracle. The same miracles we read about in the New Testament...right here. Healing. The united faith of our family, our prayers, the desires of our hearts were granted. Like I said, I was prepared for a miracle of just feeling peace. I did have faith that Nate could be healed, but it was like...0 or 10. I thought he would either have no physical change from our family fast and just...we all would be changed spiritually with a new attitude and perspective (0)...or that he would be this miraculous mystery to all the doctors because all of a sudden...he's progressing like crazy...and completely healed (10). I expected something to happen. 0 or 10. But, what about 1-9? Ohhhh, I think I bypass miracles #1-9 too often in my life.

I now wonder how many small, or huge, miracles I miss because I automatically attribute them to something or someone other than the Lord. I was humbled when Colin so quickly turned it around for me. What a blessing. There is power in fasting, there is power in prayer, and there is power in a family who does it together.

Church Chat

2012-01-29T14:33:00.001-08:00

Today Callie was sitting on my lap in church. She was pretty up close in my face as her hands softly rubbed my cheeks. Then, she looked in my eyes, and got a rather concerned look:

Callie: Mommy, why do you have cracks in your eyes?

Can you imagine if I literally had cracks in my eyes?! The image came to mind...my eyeballs actually cracking. Not the most reverent thought, but ya know.

Me: Cracks? Do you see lines in my eyes?
Callie: Yes, you have cracks in your eyes. Why?
Me: I'm tired Callie. I think that's why you see those lines. Are they red?
Callie: Yes, red cracks. But I'm not tired.
Me: And that's why you don't have the red lines in your eyes.
Callie: (yawns) I am tired Mommy. Oh, I'm going to have red cracks.

These are the types of conversations I have with my daughter during church. Jesus? Charity? Scriptures? Prophets? Nope. Just good 'ole talks about cracked eyes.

I need more sleep.

A Grateful Heart

2012-01-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

It never fails...when I'm in the need for a serious perspective check, I get it. And nearly 100% of the time it's from my friends and their situations.

I was feeling mopey. We all do occassionally, right? I was stressed, frustrated, and...mopey. Then I read my friends' blogs, or talk to them, and am reminded that I have a pretty amazing life and, who cares what happens next? Not a "who cares" in an apathetic way, but a "who-cares-when-life-is-so-good" kind of way. hm. Does that make sense?

I have a friend whose daughter is just starting to have seizures and I'm so grateful that (cross our fingers and keep praying) that our crazy seizure days are over. Yes, those were the hardest months/years, but we have passed that part and I'm optimistic that we have passed them for good. Sammy's seizures keep getting better -- less often and less intense. What a relief. And here my friend is just entering that painful world. Perspective. Check.

Another friend of mine is so dear to me. We have met only 1 time, but her son's story, and the entire family's story, has changed me. Caleb was born with very little brain, one eye, and was told he would not live a day. He just turned 7 years old. Seven! It hasn't been an easy 7 years, but they do it...and with a smile. He is an incredible little boy and his mission here on this earth, I think, is to change hearts (among other things). And as amazing as he is, I cry everytime I think of him passing away. April and I went out to dinner with some friends when I was in Utah, and she mentioned how there were some things she wanted for their family before he died. Perspective. Check.

Another woman...I read her blog and we've emailed a couple times. I found their blog close to the time that her son died. It's been over a year now, and she has been so honest at how painful it's been.

My friend just has major surgery for a cancer tumor they found that was quite massive.

I visit a woman whose husband was diagnosed with cancer and only weeks later was gone.

I have friends who are divorcing, friends who are unemployed, friends who are struggling with depression, miscarriages, and life in general.

And when I'm reminded of all that everyone else deals with, I find myself extremely grateful. Because no matter what it is that I want, today, I have an incredible husband. He has a job. We have a roof over our heads. Samantha is healthy and seems to be progressing. Callie is an angel. We are surrounded by so much love and support and ... greatness. Could things be better? Yes. But despite that, are things pretty great now? Definitely.

It's all how you look at it. The crazy thing is, all my friends who have these hard things going on in their lives, I think they'd be writing the same things. They each have this perspective on life that I admire and helps me stay in line. They are strong women full of faith.

And tonight, I am grateful.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

2012-01-24T21:02:00.000-08:00

oooooo I have such a hard time with this. I cringe to even admit I read this. Call me niave and sheltered...or whatever else you want to call me...but there were parts I just had to skip over. The sexual nature of the book was a bit much for me, especially the violence. But the story was so compelling. I wanted to know how it all ended. I gave it 3 stars only because I felt like I couldn't honestly give it 4 when I find that I'm scared to admit how much I liked it...even though I couldn't read parts of it! AH! Reading can be such a complicated sport.

I had no idea what the book was about when I started reading. I know, right?! It's all over the place. Everyone was talking about it; it's a movie for cryin' out loud. But, I never really knew the plot. I knew the title and that was about it. As I read, I realized, "What? They're hunting down a murderer?!" Yeah, people. It's a mystery. And it's thick and crazy, and seriously insane. I haven't read anything that made me crave the ending so much -- I just wanted to know how all the ends got tied up. I do have to say, I like Blomkvist. Salander, just weird. And I don't like, at all, when authors seem to through in some kind of sexual relationship that has no impact on the story line. And I felt like that happened. I dont' think this is a spoiler -- I think we know early on that he and his coworker have been in a relationship for years now even though she is married. I mean, why? It had nothing to do with the story. They could have just been best friends even though she was married. Whateva'. Why throw sex in there? Unnecessary. Keep it clean people. I mean, talk about your psycho murderers, but keep it clean...uhhh...maybe I just need to avoid this genre. Anyway.

Alas, I will not read the remaining 2 books in the trilogy. I actually have no desire to, which is a relief in some respects. (Again, you can call me whatever names you'd like.) And even though this was a thrilling, exciting mystery, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, only because parts were just too disturbing.

Another One

2012-01-20T11:05:00.000-08:00

Sammy's sick. Like, gross, throwing up all the time, horrible sick. I was helping someone yesterday with some college applications when I got the phone call from school.

"Jenny? Um, Sammy's sick. She had lunch and threw up all over the place."

It totally caught me off guard since at therapy yesterday morning she was a gem and all chipper. By the time I got to school, she had thrown up a few more times. Poor girl. It was a LoNg afternoon and LONGER evening. She slept with me on the bed (while Marcus slept on the couch -- thanks) and there was very little sleeping going on. She was just writhing in what I can only imagine was stomach cramping. After 1/2 of sleep, at 6:30am I went out to the couch with Sammy and handed her over to Daddy-o so I could get some zzz's before he had to leave for work. This morning she's doing better, but whiny and complainy.

And you know what I'm thinking? Seriously?

I want another one.

Baby, that is. I want another baby. I know it's difficult and I know that, especially when things aren't going perfectly -- illness (short or long term), disability, added numbers to the house causing crazy schedules and whatnot. But it's what I want. And I believe it's what Heavenly Father wants for us too. So, we're waiting on His scheduling. I need to talk to the head of scheduling though, 'cause, ya know...I'm not real fond of this timeline.

I've often wondered why it is that this adoption is taking so long. It's easy to wonder if how I'm acting is messing up Heavenly Father's trust in me. As much as I want another baby, am I not showing to Heavenly Father that He can trust me with another one of His children? Part of me says, "No, that's not it." But man, I really wonder sometimes, and it's a thought that's hard for me to shake -- because it's such a painful thought. It wasn't until recently that I started praying that I'd learn whatever it is that I needed to learn during this "waiting/finding" time. I think, am I not humble enough? Am I not handling what I have already well enough? I know I'm not perfect, but who is? But, this morning as I held Sammy all wrapped up in her blanket, and Callie cuddled next to me on the couch, not only did I feel such love for my little girls, but I felt this...I want another one. I'm ready. Whenever it happens, I'm ready feeling. And if I'm saying this after a sleepless night and vomit/laundry galore, I got to mean it, right? That's what I thought!

So, here's to Friday: vomit, cuddling, pajamas all day long, and hopefully, babies (someday soon).

Callie's Birthday

2012-01-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

As previously mentioned, Callie turned four. I was so excited, and then...I got sick. I slept most of her birthday. But the night before I spent a lot of time decorating. It was so fun! Her favorite color is currently RED. She has informed me that she no longer likes pink. She will wear it, but red is her color. (Which is just great since I'm working on a quilt that has greens, pinks, and purples. Had I known she would like red, I could have done a really cool, bold primary color quilt. hm) Anyway, the night before we hung these up on her ceiling. It looked a lot better than the picture shows. She was really excited when she woke up...there are still a few remaining on the ceiling.

Sleeping as we work.

So, with me being sick, it wasn't until the next day, Friday, that we did the real celebrating. Together, we made a cake. She was thrilled to be decorating her cake. She wanted a brown and red cake. So, we went with chocolate and some red details. As long as she was decorating, it didn't matter anymore. She gets very focused when it comes to these matters. Just look at that concentration.

We looked up cakes on a website and she chose the "crown." It wasn't my best cake, but she was happy with it and I can't ask for more than that.

And of course picture taking isn't complete without an array of goofy pictures. "Mommy, take anodder one. Anodder one. Anodder one. Can I see?" The beauty of digital.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl.

This was actually kind of a funny moment. I looked over, and Callie was carrying on a conversation with herself about her birthday. When our eyes met, she just smiled and got all shy. So funny.

Snow White. Always a hit these days.

Uncle John and Aunt Susan. Callie ADORES them! We didn't do a big birthday party, but it was pretty essential to Callie that these 2 be invited!

Callie and Grammy.

As fantastic as her birthday was, I couldn't help but think of Callie's birthmom (L.). I'm sure she was thinking of Callie. I wondered what she was thinking. We still pray for her and hope the best. One day, I really do hope that Callie can meet L. if that's what Callie wants. Her birthmom is one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and we really only met her briefly. If I were able to talk to her, I would assure L. that Callie is thriving. She is wonderful, happy, beautiful, so smart, curious, kind, and gentle, yet rambunctious, loud, and fun! We love Callie with all our hearts...I cannot imagine my life without her. I'd tell L. that we love her and thank Heavenly Father for her daily, pray for her well being, and that though Callie may not know L. personally, she knows her birthmom...she knows her own story...how she came to our family and how much she is loved by so many people.

Boy do I love this little girl.

I love you Callie...to forever and back.

Christmas 2011

2012-01-17T11:50:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a super important document-worthy day, and never took pictures? Christmas was like that this year. I didn't take pictures. I didn't get pictures of the girls in their Christmas dresses. No pictures in front of the tree. No family picture. WHAT?! Christmas was fun, and I didn't think of pulling out the camera. I will NOT make that mistake again. We had to recreate the Christmas dresses picture. Lame. Oh well, here's a bit of what we did get.

Christmas Eve

Christmas Day

(Recreated)

one can only try...

I'm Not a Runner

2012-01-16T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not a runner. I admire runners. I think they are disciplined and strong. I have tried to emulate runners. Two times now, I have participated in 1/2 marathons in order to see if I could discipline myself as runners do. I completed the 1/2 marathons, and actually did alright...but it wasn't discipline that got me through it. It was adrenaline.

I'm not a runner. But, I signed up for another 1/2 marathon. It was mainly out of stupidity. Nonetheless, I'm doing it. And this time around, it's been so so so hard for me to run. I fear huge embarrassment. So, come Saturday, March 3, we'll just have to see how I do.

I'm not a runner, but I can run -- or trot.

Firefly

2012-01-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

Nope, not this guy...

but this space western. Really? you ask. Yes. Indeed. A space western. Sounds totally and completely lame. And really, you may have a solid argument, but I love it. This beauty lasted only 1 season (I know, I'm only adding to your argument), and then the cult following demanded more. So, they finished it off with a movie that I'm really excited to see. I'm not kidding here!

Firefly. If you haven't seen it...we've got Castle as the Captain (Malcolm), Alan Tudyk as the pilot...who's actually been in a lot but most recently is playing Noah in Suburgatory, Morena Baccarin the "companion" who played Anna the head alien in V, Adam Baldwin as Jayne (yes, Jayne) who is John in Chuck, and friends, we even have a young Zac Efron. That's right.

So, though I haven't been updating too much here, I wanted you all to know that my time hasn't been wasted. I've been watching Firefly -- and sure I've been busy with other things as well. But I'll get caught up soon enough.

Callie's Four

2012-01-05T23:00:00.000-08:00

This little cutie turned 4 today. I can't believe it. She's such a big girl. Other than the incessant "why" questions that can sometimes get tiresome, I love her inquisitive nature. She is so curious and smart and fun and nearly perfect. Every single day I thank my Heavenly Father that she is a part of our family.

Today, I cried. You see, the morning started so great. I had totally decorated with balloons and was so looking forward to doing fun things today with her. I mean, in some ways I've been more excited about her birthday than I was about Christmas! I'm not kidding. And then, the throwing up began. Yes, I have the flu. On Callie's birthday! It started at therapy with Sammy. And what did Callie do? "It's ok Mommy," as she tries to comfort me. "Are you ok?" she asks immediately after to make sure I really am ok. She was only worried about me. Driving home, I had to open the car door to throw up (something I've never had to do before). And she said, "Mommy, are you ok? Are you done throwing up?" I felt so bad that here it was, her birthday, and she was only concerned about me.

I cried as I told her that I was so sorry I was sick on her special day. And that's when she realized and said, "Oh no. Mommy. Who's going to take me to school on my birthday?" She has been so excited to go to school on her birthday and bring in rice krispy treats for her class. "I will. Callie. I will make sure you get to school today." And she was ok with that. When we got home, I went right to the couch. Every time before I threw up, she came over, rubbed my arm and gave me a little pot and said, "Here you go Mommy. It'll be ok." Seriously. This girl is something special. I tell her often how she'll be a great mommy one day...this is just one example of her mothering nature. Callie has a heart of gold and really is going to be such a good mom. (As a side note...and this is just cute...when I tell her she's going to be a good mommy one day, many times she comes back with, "But I'm already a mommy, to my babies." Ah. Makes my heart melt every single time. The first time she was that was in the grocery store, and the check-out person squealed and said, "That is the cutest thing I've ever heard in my entire life." I replied with, "I know! Me too!" AHHH Callie is so cute!)

All day I've been completely out of commission. Analisa took Callie to school. Peggy took Sammy to Scribbles and Giggles. Peggy picked Callie up from school and took her to McDonald's (something Callie's been looking forward to for months). I've been sleeping or throwing up most all of the day. But, because of everyone helping out, I'm pretty confident Callie had a great birthday. The festivities will last longer this year because I refuse to not have a special day with her. As her mommy, I want to celebrate her big day, even if it's not on her real birthday.

Callie is one special girl. She has brought so much love and excitement in my life, from the very moment my phone rang 4 years ago telling me that back in Detroit we had a baby for us. Only hours later did the Spirit give me a glimpse into the person she is. Without having met her yet, I felt this sense of ... it's hard to explain. I just knew she was meant to be in our family. And I knew there was a tenderness to her. It was a really cool experience for me. And with every passing day, the Spirit's whisper to me has been confirmed. She is one of the most caring and loving little people I know. She's fun and can be extremely fiesty. But she has a tender heart and really wants to make sure people are ok. Callie notices kids who are shy and maybe even scared and then does something about it. She goes up, takes their hand, and says "Come on. Do you want to play with me?" Or, "Let's go together." She is so Christ-like. And yes, the other day she had a tantrum that lasted 1.5 hours on and off. She was in her room a very long time that day. That's never happened before and I was completely shocked. So, yeah. She's a kid who is pushing the limits and trying to figure out her world. But she's inherently kind, gentle, loving, and full of beauty. I can't even begin to express how much I love this little girl and I try to tell her often how happy I am to be her mommy.

Happy Birthday Callie. I love you so much.

Christmas 2011

2012-01-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

Marcus and I were so frustrated when we realized that we didn't take very many pictures on Christmas day. I mean, really?! I still have to upload those pictures, but I couldn't believe that we weren't taking pictures like crazy. In fact, I didn't take too many pictures in general, lately, and I'm the one behind the camera. So, I learned my lesson I suppose.

Here's some stuff leading up to Christmas:

Watching Christmas movies at night.

Hanging out with the uncles.

Making a movie with little man Nate.

Christmas party at church. Yes, Callie IS thrilled to be there.

Callie with Santa.

Sammy with Santa.

More to come of these cute little babes.

As a side note: Sammy and Callie BOTH went to Primary today for the first time. Amazing! They did such a great job. Callie was so excited. And Sammy was a champ. Callie got a CTR ring and a pencil for her birthday. Yes, her birthday. Callie will be FOUR this Thursday. I can't believe it.

Anyway, great day! It's been one of those oozing with love, can't get enough, love being a mom kind of day.

The Book

2011-12-30T21:00:00.000-08:00

He did it. Michael Ririe got all the funds necessary to get his book published! The Now I Can photographic documentary book will be published!!! I can't tell you how excited I am for this.

#1 -- I love when people reach their goals.
#2 -- I love when people I like/love/admire/etc reach their goals.
#3 -- Samantha's in it. And, well, that's just cool.
#4 -- And something I wrote is in there too...so that's kind of fun for me too.

The goal was $12,000. He needs $16,000 to cover all expenses. You all have put in $12,970...and the nunmbers keep increasing. I can't believe it. Awesome!

So, thank you all who pitched in, or who passed along an email, or posted it on facebook. I'm so excited to see the finished project and will most likely be seeing it in March when Sammy commences her 2nd session of therapy there.

Happy New Year, indeed.

The Night Before Christmas

2011-12-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas to all...and to all a good night.

With love,

The Green Family

To the Sun

2011-12-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

I love the moments when you are filled with so much love for your kids that you are almost knocked over. You know that feeling? Today, I was in the car with Callie, and we were just talking. And it hit me. I'm so in love with this girl. I love her so much. I felt like I was going to burst. And, so I said...
Mommy: Callie, I just love you so much. Really. Do you know how much I love you?
Callie: To the moon.
Mommy: Oh Callie, I love you even more than that.
Callie: To the sun?
Mommy: (big smile) Exactly. All the way to sun...and even more. I love you kid.

I look back and she's looking out the window, smiling.

Now that's a moment.

Callie while we were picking out our Christmas tree.

Candace Party!

2011-12-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, I love Phineas and Ferb. It's funny. And occassionally, songs get stuck in my head. I saw this episode months ago, and this song has been stuck in my head ever since...and today, I saw it again. I guess I'll be singing this one to myself for another 3 months or so.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-12-19T20:48:00.000-08:00

Pass it Along

2011-12-18T19:51:00.000-08:00

Almost four years ago, Callie came to our family. Her adoption story is one of the best experiences of my life, and holding her for the first time is among the happiest days of my life. While we were "waiting" for her, we created a pass along card of sorts. We placed those in Christmas cards, and it was through that card that a friend thought of us for a birthmother and her baby. Living states apart, we were connected through one. little. pass along card.

As many of you know, we are going through the adoption process again. We have been encouraged by LDS Family Services (our adoption agency) to seek out our child. In an attempt to do so, we created our family pass along cards with our picture and information about our family on the back of our cards.

If you would like to be a part of this process with us, we encourage you to take a pass along card (or more) and keep it in your wallet or purse. If ever you feel prompted by the Spirit, pass our card along. It may not be a birthmother who you talk to, but maybe it's a friend of a friend and you feel that little prompting to pass our information along. I don't know. All I do know is that Heavenly Father, as intimately involved as He is, requires that we do our part as well. This is a small way for us to do our part -- or, have you all help in our part.

I equate it to when I was a missionary. I knew there were people ready to hear the gospel. I knew that the Lord was aware of those people and we would find them. I also knew that at times, there seemed to be n o t h i n g for us to do. So, we'd knock on doors in between appointments. We'd talk to the people on the street. We'd do whatever we could try to get the word out that we were here to teach...to show the Lord that it was important to us and we were willing to work...and we'd work until we found that 1 person who was ready for us.

Here we are. Willing to work. We are trying to get the word out that we are here to love and raise a little boy or girl in our family ~ the little girl or boy that He has for us. And, we are passing along cards. Truly Heavenly Father was involved in Callie coming to our home, and we know He is involved currently as we seek out the child He has designated for our family. It’s an incredible thing to be a part of ~ creating eternal families. Can you think of any better missionary work than creating eternal families?

If you'd like some cards to keep in your wallet, let me know. We'll happily send some to you. Share them with your friends, family, ward members, etc. Whoever you feel would be receptive to hearing about a family ready for their baby.

Enjoy the week leading up to Christmas. May you be surrounded by love and joy as you spend time with your own family and friends.

Marcus, Jenny, Samantha, and Callie

Pow-Wow

2011-12-18T15:14:00.000-08:00

Samantha's pow-wow at school (back in November)

Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson

2011-12-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

I finally read this book! It's been on my list for quite some time, and I'm glad I finally had a chance to sit down and read it. It's a good way to end my reading list from 2011, since this will, most likely, be the last book I read this year.

There's not much I want to say other than I was inspired by Dr. Greg's passion and drive to make a bad situation better. I'm not sure I'd have the same courage he has. I'm much more comfortable staying at home working from here. But he got out there, risking his life for the children in Pakistan and Afghanistan. I was touched.

Just another reminder of how important education is, how it changes not only individuals, but communities and nations. It's worth reading.

ANTM

2011-12-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

With poses like this, Callie will most definitely be America's next top model...I'm sure of it...or at least the top model of our home. Modeling her new jacket -- fierce.

Book

2011-12-13T15:53:00.000-08:00

We'll a little over halfway there, but we only have 17 days left. Pass this along, donate...help us get this book made.

Nutella

2011-12-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

Somebody likes Nutella

Yep...that's a smile alright.

Two for Tonight

2011-12-12T21:04:00.000-08:00

I have a ton of reasons why I love Callie, and I try to tell her regularly...but for tonight, here's just two.

One: Today it rained. While driving in the car, Callie asked, "Why does it rain?" I replied as I have in the past. I gave her the scientific reason (for a 3 year old comprehension) ~ the clouds hold water and when they can't hold anymore, they let the water go. She then says, "It's cloud pee." "Um, yeah, kind of like that I guess." I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, really? I couldn't help but laugh. The thing is, she knew she was being funny when she said it. She knows why it rains. If you had asked her, she'd be able to tell you. But I thought it was kind of clever (albeit, probably inappropriate)...and come people. That's funny stuff right there. The clouds can't hold it in anymore so they pee rain? Funny.

Two: After reading some books, I let her watch I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown. I knew she'd be up too late, so I made sure she was ready for bed so right when it was done she could go to bed. I was watching it with her but got up to finish something up in the other room. At 8:30pm, she comes to me and smiles. "Are you ready for bed Callie?" She shakes her head in the affirmative...and off to bed we go. I scratch her back and she's out. Callie has always been such a great sleeper and understands her need for sleep relatively well.

Just two reasons for tonight...

Kindergarten Picture

2011-12-07T16:31:00.001-08:00

I didn't get pictures taken of Sammy last year...but now that she's in Kindergarten, I felt it wasn't just a good idea, but essential. I was worried. I mean, she's adorable, but she also tends to not smile, tilt her head back, and give very unflattering faces when we WANT her to smile and be her adorable self. If you have kids -- or cousins, nephews, etc -- you know how that goes. But, today, she came home with this picture, and I'm pretty pleased. She looks pale...her head is tilted back...but all things considered, my heart just melts when I see this first school picture!

My Message to the Masses

2011-12-06T13:28:00.000-08:00

I met Alex while I was serving my mission in Hungary. She was among the first people I met...and we became instant friends. She has a sincere heart. She is motivated to do good. And because of that, she's one of the most compassionate people I know.

Alex recently asked me to write a blog post. She is answering a series of questions, and what she asked me to answer was the following: If I had the opportunity to send a message out to the masses, what would it be? Well, I gave my answer, and it's posted on her blog.

Now that it's posted, I sheepishly think, "Ooooh. I should have written about the birth of our Savior....or that Christ still lives. That the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. That there's a living prophet." But, that's not what I wrote. hmmm I kind of wish those were the first things that came to my mind instead of this...but oh well. It's still a message that I think is important, has been important for me to learn, and hopefully can help others as well.

Are you a Backer?

2011-12-06T13:09:00.001-08:00

Have you backed THIS project yet? Do you know any businesses, companies, foundations -- or wealthier friends and family members perhaps -- that may want to be mentioned for their charitable donation in the front of a book?

So far, we've raised $4,121 and we need to get to $12,000 in a short 24 days. If we don't raise the money, your not charged...and the book doesn't happen. We need to raise $330 a day to make this happen. We can do it...maybe even $5 at a time. But we can do it.

Work

2011-12-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Got that Sammy? And I don't want to hear another word, young lady. mmm hmmm

Christmas Charity

2011-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

The red metal buckets and the ringing bells are out...and I'm excited. I'm selective when it comes to donating my money to "charity." But even when money is (perpetually) tight, there are always a few causes that I find worthy of scraping the bottom of the purse for. Here are a few on my list, and a few that I think are worthwhile for everyone...no bias here...

~*~*~*~*~*~

Salvation Army

I don't know why, but putting my loose change in these red kettles makes me happy...so do the people ringing the bell. I encourage you to drop your loose pennies in the red kettle next time you pass one by.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Church

Whenever I donate money to the church, I know where 100% of it goes. 100%. The church has an incredible welfare program and I feel honored knowing that I'm a part of helping my brothers and sisters in my own backyard, and also throughout the world. Whether you are a member of this church or not, it has an amazing reputation for it's worldwide welfare assistance and I'm sure anyone is free to donate.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sammy Sam

The girl's cute, what can I say? It's not easy, but whenever we get any "extra" cash, we try to put it in her account toward her therapy. And 100% of her account goes to her and her therapy. She has a long road ahead of her, but if I'm still invited, I want to keep going along with her. It's amazing to witness her overcome, figure it out, and b e c o m e. She's a doll and every penny is worth it to me. We're starting to plan Sweatin' for Sammy 2012, and just please know all you who have donated in the past have made a HUGE difference in her, and our, life. Thank you. If you are around for our 5K in the spring, please come. It'll be awesome.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Now I Can

Photographic Documentary Book

I would just say that Now I Can is the cause worthy of my cash...but right now, it's this book FOR Now I Can that I'm passionate about. Maybe 'cause the little girl pictured above is in it a few times and I actually wrote in the book...I mean, that is kind of cool. But more importantly, this book will make a difference.

I first met Michael Ririe back in Utah during Sammy's therapy at Now I Can. I was so impressed with him ~ with his heart. He's done work before to draw attention to Now I Can, but he's decided to take it a step further. In creating a book of professional photographs that showcase these children...their drive...as well as what is written about them, we are hoping to bring more awareness and raise funds for the center -- allowing more financial assistance to families like us. We were recipients of a grant that helped cover some of the expense. That extra money made a big difference to us and insured Samantha's return to Now I Can this coming March. What if every family in need could send their child to Now I Can with some kind of financial assistance? What is the potential of this small book? It will raise awareness. It will tell the real story to future possible donors. And ALL proceeds generated will go back to Now I Can therapy grant fund. 100%. That money will go towards Sammy. It will help a lot of people.

$1. $5. $12.75. $25. More? My weekly blog "hit" is roughly 500, give or take. If every hit was $5, that's $2500. Pretty cool. Anyway. Check out the link to Kickstarter -- Now I Can -- A Photographic Documentary Book and watch the video. And decide. If enough people don't support it and the book doesn't happen, your donation won't be charged. You won't "lose" a thing. We have until December 31. But if there are enough of us, and this book does happen, you could be one of the many who believe in this program and help Samantha and other kids just like her. The video, alone, is worth a look.

~*~*~*~*~*~

These are the causes in my radar currently -- they are the things that matter most when I think about giving/charity/cash "gifts." Some of these I can give to all year long, others I can't. But either way, what I love is feeling of giving to something I feel is worthwhile. I know I'm not alone in that. Who wants to throw money away? But when you can give with confidence, what a happy feeling. It's nice knowing that the little I can give makes a big difference. It makes me happy.

Happy Busy

2011-11-28T23:18:00.001-08:00

I feel like I've been super busy lately. But, instead of being frazzled busy, I'm happy busy. Or at least I am tonight. I feel much more peace and true contentment than I have felt in a long time. I'm happy busy. I'm doing a lot lately.

preparing for Christmas (and yes, I'm all done shopping! awesome.), visiting teaching, teaching at church a lot, attending meetings, looking at real estate, tutoring, celebrating birthdays and holidays, preparing for this summer's Girls' Camp, working on our adoption, working on some smaller scale projects, doing therapy with Sammy, working on a book, starting to plan for Sweatin' for Sammy 2012...

There's a million things, big and small, going on lately, aside from the everyday stuff. But I feel good. A few months ago, I think I would have been stressed. So, I'm not sure what has changed ~ maybe between Thanksgiving and Christmas soon approaching, something has changed. I'm more centered? Am I getting all zen-like? Maybe. I guess, perhaps the thing that is supposed to happen to us during this time of year is really happening to me. Ahhh, who knows? All I know is I'm enjoying it.

Stickers

2011-11-18T20:43:00.001-08:00

Someone here sure loves them

...even on the bottom of her dirty feet.

Stickers. Always makes life better.

Peace

2011-11-18T12:45:00.001-08:00

Wow. Thank you for all your comments, emails, facebook messages, and love.

Though it seems like this should be very terrible (and it was a few weeks ago when we received her initial email stating that she was going to go with placing her baby with her own mother ~ I think that's when most of the emotions got worked through for me), I feel peace. And I feel love. I hope good things for them and that little baby.

I am, actually, feeling fine. I'm afraid that I sent off a different message on my facebook status -- I was sad, but it wasn't the deep sadness that I felt weeks prior. That sadness I carried privately (and with a select few). That was a difficult time. That was hard.

But now, I'm not sad as much as I'm just tired. Physically. Emotionally. I feel drained. And it's easy to confuse feeling sluggish with feeling sadness. But, it's not sadness I'm feeling anymore. I truly believe that the Lord is in control. It's all in His hands. And for whatever reason, Heavenly Father allowed this all to happen, knowing that it would be for our good.

This is all for our good.

Thankful 12: Family

2011-11-17T13:35:00.001-08:00

Seeking Serendipity

2011-11-17T12:17:00.001-08:00

Today a good friend sent me this article: Why Serendipity is Better Than Control. It's really fantastic. First of all, I love Linda and Richard Eyre. I have loved everything they've written that I've read. They are LDS and New York Times #1 Best-Sellers ~ so though they hold true to the values that I grew up on as a member of the church and want to instill in my own children, but these clearly are not values exclusive to Mormon households. The teach true principles of parenting.

I found this article to be wonderful for 2 reasons.

1. They taught a true principle.
2. It resonated with me.

Isn't that great?  They talk about how we naturally want to be able to control our lives, but that what we should really seek is the true definition of serendipity -- not the "dumb luck" definition that seems to be replacing it. I know this. And, I'm grateful for my faith that has really helped me the past couple months. Really, it has been the scriptures, prayer, and a lot of other things that has helped me feel peace, and even excitement, during a difficult time. HOWEVER. I needed this reminder. And after reading this article, I feel re-energized.

Again. I'm grateful for friends who pay attention and act on the promptings that they feel. Thank you Lisa.

Here's my favorite part of the article:

This marvelous word has been oversimplified and even corrupted quite a bit lately in popular culture, becoming the name of ice cream stores, boutiques, clothing lines and even the title of a major movie. Serendipity is often defined as "dumb luck" or having something good happen to you by chance

Its true definition, though, is much more interesting and quite extraordinary. The word was coined by a 19th-century English author named Horace Walpole, who loved an ancient Persian fable called "The Three Princes of Serendip" (Serendip being the early name of the beautiful, teardrop-shape island off the southern tip of India that the British called Ceylon and that we, today, call Sri Lanka).

In the fable, the three princes each go out in search of their fortune. None of them finds a fortune, but all of them, through their acute awareness and perception, find things that are better than a fortune — love, truth and opportunities to serve. They are able to make these discoveries because they notice things that other people miss, and thus find unexpected joys and opportunities.

Walpole, reading the fable, said to himself, "We do not have an English word that expresses that happy ability to find things that are better than what we think we are looking for." So he made up the word serendipity and defined it as follows:

"A state of mind whereby a person, through awareness, sensitivity and sagacity, frequently finds something better than that which he is seeking."

The fact is that we control so very little, and that God controls all. His gifts are all around us, along with his opportunities and incredible beauties, and we just need the awareness and spiritual sensitivity to see them. We can cultivate this awareness, and we can ask him for it. As we do, we use our agency to take the spiritual initiative that allows God to bless us and inspire us and guide us. Guidance is infinitely more valuable and more worthy of our pursuit and quest than is control. And serendipity is the mind-set or paradigm that can get us to guidance.

Control can seem motivating because it appeals to our lust for power and dominion. But it is a dangerous kind of motivation because it is unbridled by humility and can lead to the worst kind of pride.

With a serendipity paradigm, we are motivated by our desire to discover and deliver God's will into our lives. We begin to see life as a great adventure where our challenge is not to control but to perceive and to understand. We become as interested in learning to "watch and pray" as we are in learning to "work and plan," and the two sets of skills complement and enhance each other.

I feel like throughout this process, I have tried to put it all in the Lord's hands. I've tried to let go of that control. And it has helped me throughout the 2 years of waiting for this next adoption to happen. Evenstill, I feel sadness when things don't go how I'd like. Already, this morning I woke up feeling better knowing that He is in control and that the right baby goes to the right home. But again, this article gave me a different focus. And I so much look forward to that something...and in our case, someone...better than that which we are seeking.

I know it'll happen.

Adoption Woes

2011-11-16T21:27:00.001-08:00

I've mentioned we've had our trials lately, and as of about 1/2 hour ago, I feel comfortable writing about it. I have been wanting to write, but I just couldn't...until now.

We started the adoption process a couple years ago. This time around has been far different than it was with Callie. Everything was so fast, and smooth, with Callie. This time, however, every step has been long and drawn out. Getting our background checks took months and months before they came through. We were finally approved for adoption this past February. And I honestly thought that our baby was right around the corner. I was so naive.

Time went on, and discouragement would peak its nose in every now and then. But I have always felt that the Lord is intimately involved in our lives...and adoption placements are not exceptions. I remember one afternoon talking with Peggy, my mother-in-law, in the kitchen. She asked how I was feeling, and I replied, "I actually think it's going to be a long time and then...boom boom...like twins." Life continued, and though it was very eventful, it carried on without a new baby.

While we were in Utah for Samantha's therapy, we were contacted by 2 sets of birthparents. Two sets. What? I remembered that small discussion I had that day in the kitchen. Was this supposed to happen like this? Practically twins?! It seemed absolutely crazy, but I was excited about the thought. Sure, the next 5 years, at least, would be a challenge, but if this is how it was supposed to happen, it'd work out. Both birthparent's situations were complicated. Birthparent A had some medical things we were a tad concerned about. We also were only working with a volunteer caseworker because she didn't want any contact at all. Birthparents B wanted a very open adoption, the baby is already born, and they are living overseas. We were feeling really good about adopting both babies, but we were growing a good relationship with couple B.

We prayed. We fasted. And we decided, and felt good about talking to both sets about adopting both...but that if there were any problems with that, we felt good going with couple B. When couple B said they felt uncomfortable with us adopting both babies, decided that we would "choose" them. How strange is that? We discussed our adoption plans. They told us they were committed to us and they realized that we were turning down another baby for their daughter. It's strange, but as happy as I was to be moving forward with them, I felt a huge loss. I felt like I had lost a baby, but I felt peace about the decision. It was a weird experience to feel such great sadness and peace at the same time.

Things progressed. There was a lot we discussed, and we were preparing for a 2 month old baby to enter our family. A little girl. A little girl with a white father, black mother -- curly hair and green eyes. When we'd talk, sometimes we'd hear her squeaks in the background. It was so cute. And with each day, and especially each Skype session, I was growing more love for this birthmom and dad. The truth is, we click. Really well. She expressed how peaceful she felt about us, and we were excited. Happy.

The day before we were leaving for Disneyland, we got an email from her. She stated that she had talked to her mom and that she was going to have her mom adopt the baby.

I was crushed. At first, I was shocked. I didn't cry until my dad called to see how I was. Then the tears came. And I couldn't hold it together. The crying-so-hard-you-can't-make-any-sound cry. The "Jen, are you ok? Are you still there?" from Dad cry. That doesn't happen often. I was devastated. I cried. On and off all day, I would just break down. Then came the massive migraine. My arms actually went numb. And I became physically sick. I vomited throughout the night, but felt better in the morning...and off to Disneyland we went where I felt so so blessed. I felt such gratitude for my little family. Yes, I want a baby so badly, to hold a new little one in my arms, to wake up in the evenings to feed him, to do it all again...but for that day, all of that didn't cross my mind. I was so in love with Callie's bright smile and Sammy's soft giggles. I felt ok.

When we returned home, there was an email in our inbox from our birthmom. She apologized and felt like she had acted too quickly. If we were willing, she and the birthfather still wanted us to adopt their little girl. We began skyping and trying to get things straightened out. We wanted to make sure she really felt good about everything.

I can't imagine what it's like to be a mother who then decides that adoption is the best for her baby. Can you imagine? But she truly felt she wasn't in a position to raise her baby and felt that this would be best. But, who should take care of her baby? This is now what she had to decide because things became complicated when she told her parents that she had a baby.

We've talked a lot, each time fantastic, but we've just never known exactly what she was going to decide.

Tonight, we got our answer. It was a relatively short chat. She told us that she had decided that she was going to have her parents take care of the baby. They won't be adopting the baby, but rather taking care of her. When she is ready, she can go back and start taking care of her baby herself -- in a five years or so.

I guess deep down we knew this was going to happen, or that it was very likely. And most of my emotional reaction I think I got out when we received that first email. But when she told us, I got a pit in my stomach and I'm just sad. I'm really sad.

I still feel like there's a baby out there for us. Somewhere. Sometime.

Tonight when I logged on, I was surprised to see so many emails from friends and I haven't talked to in awhile. Not a ton, but enough to make me think that the Lord was behind it. Enough of you asking me how things were going and how we've been on your mind. He is intimately involved in our lives. And as soon as I get over the initial sadness, I think what I wrote the other day -- those feelings of peace will replace this. Probably sooner than later. At least that's what I hope for.

I told our birthmom tonight that I believe things happen for a reason, even if we don't understand why...there's a reason. I'm not sure why this happened. But I do know that my perspective of adoption has changed. Our experience with Callie was very...near perfect. I always looked at adoption through rose-colored lenses. Perhaps now, after going through this, I can better empathize with others who go through this as well? Or maybe we'll be that much happier and filled with joy when our baby does finally come. OR, maybe this is all for Samantha, or Callie, or or or...

All I know right now is...I love my family. I love the way Samantha curls up to me. I love how Callie will only read books with me if my arm is wrapped around her. I love how both of their eyes light up when Marcus or I enter the room. I am so so grateful for what I have.

But I'm also really grateful tonight for my friends who emailed me, maybe prompted to do so. And I'm grateful for Modern Family. I needed that laugh.

Thankful 11: Disneyland

2011-11-16T13:19:00.001-08:00

A few weeks ago we went to Disneyland. It was awesome! Here are only a few...yes...a few...of the pictures we took. I want to preface this photo essay of Disneyland with the following: we needed this trip. Only the day before we were feeling discouraged and Disneyland...the happiest place on earth...really helped us focus on our family. We had so much fun together. Pure fun. I was reminded of how much I love these little girls and how much Marcus means to me. I felt blessed. The entire time we were there (even when my migraine hit), I felt immense love and gratitude. It was awesome.

At the hotel, waking up and ready to go to Disneyland. Or, at least Callie is.

Disneyland in October is pretty cool. They go all out Halloween.

The Haunted Mansion

Quirky Callie

I believe this was the Snow White ride. Callie's face looked like this almost the entire time we were there...except for the above picture. That was a moment of weirdness...but then it went right back to the smiles!

By Snow White's wishing well

Patiently waiting in line.

Callie LOVED this ride.

Jungle Cruise. Samantha was happy.

But Callie just couldn't get enough. Evey animal she saw went something like this: "An ELEPHANT!!! LOOK LOOK! An ELEPHANT!" "AND LOOK MOMMY, a GIRAFFE! LOOK LOOK."

Callie and I battled Splash Mountain together. I really was no interested in getting wet, but surprisingly she wanted to do it. Normally Callie doesn't like to be splashed, but she liked it. She sat in the front seat while I sat behind her. I didn't like that at first, but I was able to hug her seat and keep her really tight and secure, so it worked out well. She was such a trooper. This is her thumbs up.

We used Samantha's handicap pass which got us on the rides pretty quickly. But for Dumbo, even in the handicap line, we waited about 35 minutes. It was rough. Sammy was frustrated, but Callie wanted to go on it so badly. So, we waited. And waited. I felt really spoiled that we were struggling waiting for a ride only a bit over 1/2 hour. Nonetheless...

Callie with Snow White.

While we were there, we met up with David and Andrea and Sue and John.

It's a Small World.
Samantha was really interested in all the lights and figures.

And though this is horrific, I thought it was so funny. I mean, you can't plan a picture that looks this bad. I had to include it. It makes me laugh.

Yeah for cousins!

I've never been to Disneyland before. Disney World, yes. But not Disneyland. One of the biggest differences Marcus said I'd notice is the castle. He told me it was smaller. But holy cow, it's WAY smaller. But it's still beautiful and magical.

Ready to get on the ride: Space Mountain. Yes. We took our 3.5 year old on Space Mountain. She fit the height requirements and really wanted to go on. So, we let her. Little did we know that they had changed it for Halloween, so it was really monster scary-like. She got off and held on to me so tight. "Mommy. That was too scary." She has since told me that she'd do it again sometime when there weren't monsters. I felt like such an irresponsible parent when the ride was over and we walked off with her. ahhhh I felt so bad!

Samantha was only interested in chewing Marcus' hat for this picture.

John hanging out with Callie while my Excedrin kicked in.

Ohhhhh. Here's the sign we wished we had seen before taking Callie on Space Mountain.

Leaving the park after the firework show ~ Sammy near comatose and Callie out like a light.

Good night Disneyland.

This night before heading to Disneyland, Bart came by our hotel with his girlfriend Christy. It was so fun to see Bart ~ we haven't seen him since our wedding. And we both really like his girlfriend. I could have stayed up all night talking (how unlike me). I was happy for the few short hours we did have to catch up.

It was a fantastic trip and worth every penny. I'm already planning our next trip, maybe next December during Christmas. How fun would that be?! Disneyland, I'm sure thankful for you. It would have been fun no matter what, but it came at a perfect time for us too.

Thankful 10: Scriptures

2011-11-14T11:27:00.001-08:00

I haven't always been great at reading my scriptures. It's been one of the many things I have to continually work on. However, last year I decided that I didn't want to have to "work on it" anymore. I wanted it to become such a part of me that it was natural, no longer a struggle, no longer an afterthought: Oh, I should read my scriptures.

This year has been a difficult one. We've had a lot of family trials and there has been a lot of uncertainty. Most recently, the Marcus and Jenny family has been through a lot. I have felt tossed around in the whirlwinds of life. I have cried and felt downright depressed at times. But, surprisingly, I have also felt overpowering peace. Even in my moments of sadness, I felt peace. That's a strange thing to feel at the same time...but it can happen. During the past few months, as we've struggled with uncertainty, I have somehow felt an abundance of peace that has seemed almost inappropriate. In fact, just last night I was talking with some people -- including my husband -- and after a negative experience I was able to tell them, "I'm not excited about what happened, but I feel an excitement and energy that seems completely inappropriate. I should be really sad. But I'm not." I attributed it to the Spirit. I'm not sure why certain things are happening, but there's a peace and calmness in my life right now.

The other day I finished reading the Book of Mormon again. Upon finishing, I thought about what I had read and began to reflect on my past year...and in particular, the past couple months.

Elder Richard G. Scott during October's General Conference said: Scriptures can calm an agitated soul, giving peace, hope, and a restoration of confidence in one’s ability to overcome the challenges of life. They have potent power to heal emotional challenges when there is faith in the Savior.

It occurred to me, as I pondered, that the words Elder Scott said had, in fact, happened to me. My agitated soul has been calmed. I have felt peace, hope, and confidence to overcome this obstacle. My emotional challenges have been healed as my faith in the Savior has been strengthened.

When I've read the scriptures before, intellectually I knew that 1 + 1 = 2. If I read the scriptures (obedience), I'd be blessed with increased faith, etc. But, for maybe the first time I've seen it and felt it ~ more immediately recognized that process. It's the daily reading/studying of the scriptures has given me that added amount of strength that I needed during this time. I know it's the scriptures that have helped me right now, and I have no doubts about that.

I'm thankful for the scriptures. Instead of frustration and pain (which I have no doubt felt), I have felt increased love and compassion. I dare say that charity, along with the words of the prophets, has entered my heart. And I'm grateful.

Thankful 9: Hair Product

2011-11-12T21:06:00.001-08:00

Well, you all are always asking me about Callie's hair. Here we go. The secret, and what I'm thankful for today: Hair product.

Silly? Perhaps. But if you are a white mama to a black child...learning the ropes isn't easy. One thing I did learn quickly was that boy are those hair products important. Because let me just tell you uninformed parents out there -- African American hair is far different than your own. It's beautiful, and it sure takes a lot of care.

I just finished a 2 hour hair session on Callie. She went straight to bed, otherwise I would have taken pictures. Basic twists, but 2 hours of twisting and I can't tell you how great it feels to type now! Seriously. It's like shaking out your legs after long run. Even two years ago I wouldn't have believed that she'd sit through me doing her hair without screaming bloody murder. I was certain our neighbors were going to call Child Protective Services a few times while trying to brush out her hair. And what could I have told CPS? "I can't deny it. I'm torturing my child. I'm desperately trying to pick through her hair. And she hates me for it." (sigh) But I stuck with it, and she's so much better now. What do I have to thank? MPP y'all. Movies. Popcorn. Product.

So, after trying too many different products to even count, here's what I have settled on (for the time being). I don't claim to know it all ~ with what I know, if I really did know it all, Callie would have a pretty grim future ~ but this is what I use and what I'm thankful for. (With that said, if anyone stumbles across this who knows more than I do...I'd be thankful for that information as well!)

Shampoo and Conditioner
Shampoo, shampoo, shampoo. I have gone through more shampoo and conditioner for Callie than I've used for myself my entire life! Callie's hair is Thin. Fine. Tight curls. Black hair -- and curly hair in general -- gets dry. So, you don't want to over wash. But you still have to have clean hair. All shampoos I used, I felt, just stripped her hair completely. Then I'd load up the conditioner. LOAD up. The best conditioner I could find for her was the kind in my mom's boxes of L'oreal after she'd dye her hair. She'd mail me the little tubes. Those really worked the best for Callie...but I was still unsatisfied.

Until. One beautiful, glorious, late night infomercial. It's true. I was so immersed in each demonstration. And when I saw that Holly Peete Robinson used it for her and her kids ~ I got giddy. Could this really work for Callie? I didn't call or go online to order. I didn't want to be that person who bought some stuff from an infomercial. I sheepishly mentioned it to a friend who readily said, "Oh, I have that stuff. Do you want to try it?" Um, yeeeeaa-aahhh. I was sold. I ordered it up and life hasn't been the same. This stuff glides through Callie's hair. It's a cleansing conditioner. With this one step, I'm washing and conditioning her hair. I am in love. My finger run through her hair, and when they don't, I give a little wiggle, and ssswish...there they go. Knots? Not really. Love it. And, I use it for myself too. Noooo. "But your hair is so different than Callie's," you say. Yes. That's the beauty of this all-natural product. I don't get it, and I don't care.

What is this heaven in a bottle? Wen. Changed my life people -- or rather, Callie's life. Whatever.

Deep Conditioning
I do it from time to time. I've tried some packets that I get at the store. They were fine. I did Callie's hair once with a deep conditioning packet of gunk and wrapped her head in saran wrap! She looked so cute (I wish I could find that picture right now). But now, I use Wen, again. They have a deep conditioning mask and I do that about 1x a month for her...for that extra moisture, especially during the winter.

Styling Product
Wen. Is this getting boring? I use the sweet almond mint styling product, BUT, I also use, and love a few others.

Mizani's line I actually still really love...believe it or not, Wen isn't the only thing out there that I use for her. Mizani's Coconut Souffle, in particular, I use as I put in twists or ringlets. I've also used their Rose H2O products. It's fine, but I like the Coconut Souffle better. It really makes styling her hair so much easier, and her hair soft.

But a friend of mine also led me to some old school Vo5 conditioning hairdress. Seriously, I love this. It works wonderfully and is much less expensive than Mizani. I recommend it. It is greasier, but when I take her hair out of whatever hairstyle I have it up in...her hair is so soft and shiny still. (Here's a nice blurry picture from the internet.)

Daily Moisture
I'm not as good as this as I should be. I go through phases. But in the winter, when the weather is especially dry, I am much better. So, each day I need to add moisture to her hair to keep it hydrated and shiny. Here are 2 of my favorites.

Even though D'Tangle is for detangling hair...it conditions it as well. I like the way it smells and it's easy for me to spray it on Callie's hair for quick hydration.

And coconut oil. Who knew? Right there in the grocery store, as I pick up my almond milk and coconut yogurt...I can get some coconut oil for Callie's hair. I also use this for her skin each day. I rarely use lotion anymore for her...just a dip into the coconut oil jar. Again, overall inexpensive, and it's great for her hair and skin.

So, there you have it. I'm so grateful for these things. Now, I neglected the different combs, brushes, hair bands, etc that are fantastic as well. But, this post is already long enough. These products have made the time I sit with Callie enjoyable. She gets excited to get her hair done. Yeah, that's probably the MPP over the "yea, Mom's doing my hair"...but oh well. It's no longer something I dread (like from the fear-of-CPS days). It's become something that I often, truly, look forward to. And now that I have the products I like, I've been able to focus more on the actual hairstyle than the haircare. And really, that's the fun part!

Right Callie?

Riiiiight.

Condoleeza Rice: A Memoir of My Extraordinary, Ordinary Family and Me

2011-11-12T21:05:00.001-08:00

Condoleezza Rice: A Memoir of My Extraordinary, Ordinary Family and Me by Condoleezza Rice

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I really enjoyed this book. It flowed very well and could be considered a quick read, even though I didn't do it that way. I was initially interested in ready this autobiography when it came into our home last Christmas because I was curious. Secondary to her involvement in politics and her prodigious background, Condoleeza Rice is a black woman of influence. I figured it wouldn't hurt to know more about her so if one day Callie asked about influential black women or men, I'd know at least a few and more importantly, WHY they were influential.

I was so impressed with Condoleeza Rice...rather, I AM impressed. Whether you agree with her politically or not, she is an incredible woman. She is intelligent, talented, compassionate, organized, and truly loves her family. I found reading about her life inspiring. I often thought of ways I could incorporate her mother and father's parenting philosophies. They were great people as well...and as the saying goes "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

It was a good autobiography and I'm glad I read it.

View all my reviews

Thankful 8: Progress

2011-11-11T20:39:00.000-08:00

Today I wrote about change...how I'm grateful for change.

Tonight, before putting Samantha to bed, I was relishing in being her mom. I loved every moment of getting her ready for bed. I am currently, sort of, working on her using the toilet. Tonight, she did. She peed in our potty. She's no where near "potty trained," but we are taking small, very very small, steps.

As I cheered for her and she giggled (and then tooted), I realized what I'm grateful for, in conjunction with CHANGE is PROGRESS. Often change can be an indication of progress, and it certainly has been for us on many occasions.

I'm grateful for progress -- no matter how small.

Thankful 7: Change

2011-11-11T16:20:00.001-08:00

I love change. Sometimes, in the moment, I don't always love it...but after it's always been a good thing. Recently, we've had some changes.

I went from this

someone needs to photoshop those heavy duty bags! woa. freaky.

to this.

scary Jenny, but you get the idea -- shorter and darker -- though it's not too obvious in this here picture

From this

struggling in her movements

to this.

better body control

From this

curious little girl

to this.

a beautiful princess

Change is good. In my life, change is welcome. Sometimes change is big...sometimes small. But either way, change allows us to sluff off the old...get a new perspective and move forward. Try something new. Give a different approach. Change can be the one thing we fear the most, but need more than anything else. So, I choose to embrace it. Even when the change has been difficult, it's always transformed me in a better way. Hey, I figure if I want to exfoliate my face -- get rid of the old cells that are hiding fresh, new, alive, and YOUNGER looking cells {in essence, change my face} -- it's got to apply to my overall life, right?

So, today I moved Samantha and Callie's furniture around, and I'm fully expecting to look better. younger.

Here's to CHANGE.

I'm sure grateful for 'ya.

Buttercream Frosting

2011-11-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

The best buttercream. ever. I keep losing the recipe (as simple as it is) so I'm posting it here so I don's lose it again.

1 c. butter, softened (if it's not soft, cut it up into smaller pieces. it blends fine)
8 c. powdered sugar
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 c. milk

In a mixing bowl, cream butter. Beat in sugar and vanilla. Add milk until frosting reaches desired consistency.

Thankful 6: Self-Regulation

2011-11-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

hmmm not sure how to title this one.

Samantha and Callie have been waking up super early. And, unlike Samantha who has a hard time adjusting and will just be upset when she's tired, Callie takes matters into her own hands.

Today, at 10am, Callie decided she was tired. And went to bed. It's not 11:30. She needed a nap and knew it. And is still sleeping.

Callie has always understood that when she's tired, sleep is what she needs. As a baby, she'd go to her room, grab her blanket (gankie) and pacifier and come out to show us, indicating she wanted to go to bed. What baby does that?! I'll tell you: only the SUPER angelic ones. I lucked out. Yeah, she's a kid and so she gets grumpy when she's tired and she'll have tantrums, but overall, she understands when she's tired that sleep will help.

So, here's to self-regulated sleep. I love that girl of mine.

Thankful 5: Friends

2011-11-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

I have always been blessed with great friends. Always. Though I have always had many guy friends, it's my girl friends who are dear to my heart. Girls need girls. When I was young, Emily was my conjoined twin! We were pretty much inseparable. And throughout elementary, middle, and high school, my friendships with other continued to grow and be strengthened. Our interests may have changed, and maybe we didn't always hang out as much as we used to, but we remained friends.

College was incredible for me. I went to BYU alone. I didn't know anyone else there. I had a good roommate but it was the 2 girls who were my neighbors who I connected with the most. After that freshman year, Marci, Reagan (and Becky until she got married), lived together up until the day I left for my mission. We were more than friends, we became sisters.

On my mission, I met wonderful ladies. Some of my companions were phenomenal and I grew a lot from their example. But Rose, that girl and I just clicked. She was my companion in the MTC, and whenever we saw each other, I just got so excited to talk and catch up. We became roommates after our missions and she became one of my best friends.

We've lived in many different places. Since we've been married I have met some people that, no matter how far apart we live from each other, I will always hold a very special place for them in my heart.

This past weekend, I went to Santa Cruz with some friends. We took a Girls' Weekend and it was fantastic. I was so much fun! I haven't laughed that hard in ... a long time. I was crying from laughing so hard. We went to dinner, danced, talked all night long...just what we all needed.

I'm grateful for friends. I'm grateful that I've had the blessing of being about to surround myself with others who share my same standards, who are fun, and who can have a good time!

Amy, me, Elena, and Sonia

Me, Elena, and Elaine

Thankful 4: Music

2011-11-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

I've always loved music. When I was young, I'd record songs off the radio onto little cassette tapes and I'd listen to my favorites over and over again. The total of "mix" tapes recorded off the radio are innumerable. This past year, while at home, I ran across some of these tapes...and notebooks. Written on those lines of paper were lyrics. Yes. Lyrics. I'd sit and listen to a song, line by line, pausing in between and rewinding if I had to, and I'd write down what the words were -- or at least what I thought they were. I didn't just like songs, but I wanted to sing along with them, so I had to know the words.  I no longer write lyrics down, but I do look them up online from time to time and I often listen to my new favorite over and over and over again...ad nauseum.

I've found that I listen to far less music since living with Marcus' parents. I think it's because I want to respect their peace (um, if that were the truth, maybe I wouldn't even be living here in the first place?) or maybe it's because our computer (which holds most of my music) is in our bedroom and not in our daily living quarters.  Even though I don't listen to it as much, it still has the same impact on me...I've often clung to music in times of sadness or frustration, and have used it's rhythms to be an added spark of energy.

I've shared some of my feelings about some songs that have touched me about Samantha, in particular, on Kidz. I wrote about Smallest Wingless and how it triggered deeper feelings of gratitude for Samantha.  It also urged me to reflect on how much I've learned from friends who have lost children, and how because from their pain, I've learned a lot about love and loss. I wrote about Closer by Joshua Radin (love that man) and how I interpretted it to fit my life with Samantha.  I even wrote about So Long, yes, from Winnie the Pooh, and how I imagine Sammy singing this to me. (sigh) Obviously many songs have reminded me about my journey with Samantha. And while these songs remind me of Sammy, it's songs like All the Single Ladies by Beyonce, So What by Pink, and Say Hey by Michael Franti that remind me of Callie. Odd? Yes. But it makes me smile.  What can I say, these were her favorites for a long time and they will always remind me of her. She energetic, full of enthusiasm for life, and spunky. I'm getting off course here...

Point is: I love music. And I'm grateful for it. Case closed.

Thankful 3: Hat for Sammy

2011-11-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful for hats. Samantha has never really had a hat that truly fit her. When she was a baby, I went to Build-a-Bear and bought a hat there for her. It was summer and after her surgery I needed something to cover up her head. Build-a-Bear it was. It was a cute hat with cherries on it. It was a hat made for a small stuffed animal bear, and it was the closest thing to fitting her that I could find. We've had a few other hats that people have made for Sammy. Every time someone would give us one, I'd cry. They were happy tears. I was so touched that people would think of Sammy. I mean, after all, it's just a hat. But it was so much more.

Recently while visiting my brother and his family, my sister-in-law, Peggy, told me that she had something for Sammy. Yes. It was a hat. Not only is it darling, but it actually fits. Sammy's tricky because not only is her head circumference small, but she doesn't have much of a forehead. And this hat....I mean, look at her. She's darling.

So, again, today I'm grateful for hats -- or just this hat. Because in this hat is patience, love, charity, service, Peggy, and Sammy. I think it's quite possibly the best hat. Ever.

Thankful 2: Pie

2011-11-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Apple Pie. I love it. When I was a kid, I hated cooked fruit so I wouldn't touch it. As an adult, I'm questioning if that was the truth back then or if the idea of cooked fruit didn't appeal to me. No matter. I love it now. And today, though I shouldn't, I indulged in a piece leftover from last night's enrichment activitiy. Thank you Costco. Sometimes it's these little things that can make your day.

Thankful 1: Veggies

2011-11-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful I have kids who like vegetables.

How To Carve a Pumpkin

2011-11-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Have the proper equipment and materials. Pumpkin, knife, bag for pumpkin guts, and if need be, gloves for the faint of heart.

Reach deep down in there to get all the squishy goodness out.

Pay no attention to on-lookers who may be trying to distract you from your mission.

Concentrate.

Examine the seeds and decide if you'd like to cook them up. If you're like me, you're too lazy and will just buy some.

Allow the children to decide what they'd like on the pumpkin, but offer super easy suggestions.

If you're tired and strained, allow others to help you. That extra hand pushing your arm back and forth makes it all MUCH easier.

Again, don't get distracted.

even by hawks in your backyard

And, take a picture with your finished product.

Now with everyone.

Take another if necessary.

Keep trying until you get that perfect shot.

If at first you don't succeed,

try

again.

Or just be satisfied with whatever picture you do get.

This is Halloween...

2011-10-31T20:46:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodNESS. Halloween is so much fun with little kids! Trick or treating? I'm sure I loved it as a kid, but it's possible that trick or treating with Callie and Sammy was way more fun than doing it myself as a kid. uhhhhh maybe not. But still. Callie was so excited and said cute things like:

"oooo this one may be a bit scary guys"
"Now Sammy, this may be scary for you"
"I'm Callie and this is my sister Sammy. But she's older than me. Happy Halloween."
After being given a handful of candy: "WOA! It's almost full to the top!"

Her excitement for life was palpable and it was so. much. fun.

Halloween this year lasted not one, but 3 days over here.
1) Ward Halloween Party. Fantastic. Sammy won "Prettiest Costume."
2) Sammy's Halloween party at school. Marcus brought Callie (while I was stuck in an office downtown...grrrr) and she walked in the parade at the elementary school and played some games afterward.
3) The real deal. Halloween night. Trick or treating.

Here's a small glimpse of our insane fun.

Friday night, before the ward Halloween party

Excited?

Rapunzel and Snow White
Callie chose the Halloween costumes this year. She did a good job.

At the Halloween party

Sammy and Callie at school's Halloween party. This was before the parade. I think Callie had fun participating in Sammy's school party. One thing that I love about Callie is how much she loves her sister. She is protective over her, but also, in a way, proud to be her sister. Everywhere she goes, she makes sure people know that Sammy is her sister. She looks forward to being with her. She loves waiting for her after school. She just loves being with her. So I was very happy that the school was more than happy to have Callie included in their parade.

These 2 fourth graders love Samantha. They volunteer almost everyday in Samantha's class where they read stories and play games with all the kids. They have grown quite attached to Samantha though...it's sweet.

Post-parade dancing.

Halloween night.

this was the best I could do getting a picture of the both of them together.

Trick or treating

At the end of the night, Callie couldn't have been more ready to rip into her candy ~ and Sammy more ready to go to bed. It was a fantastic night.

Out of It No More

2011-10-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

I've been so completely out of it lately. So much has been going on I can hardly keep my head straight it seems. I've been burdened with a lot of worry...a bit of fear...and it has totally taken over me. I've never had this experience before. And I've come to a point where, unfortunately, I have shut down. It's hard for me to put my heart into anything but my family. At least, I guess, I feel like I can put heart into them. I've really really struggled.

Then, today, something clicked. I talked to a friend and began to cry a little. Surprisingly, it helped. I also taught a lesson in Young Women. It went well. In fact, it was fantastic...if not for them, for me. Afterward, I held a presidency meeting with our class presidency. This is something I've been wanting to do for a very long time, but today, we started and set up a schedule to do it regularly. Today we celebrated Scotty's birthday and played with Nathaniel. I talked to my mom on the phone. And I started looking for a house for rent for a family moving here from Michigan. I accomplished good things today. And it made a difference.

A few times last week I logged on to update our blog and almost immediately logged out. I didn't have anything to say...even though I did. humph Anyway, now I'm back in the swing of things. No more Ms. Out-of-it. I think I've turned a corner and am ready to live again. And it feels good (or at least, better).

* Apple Crisp Muffins

2011-10-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love these muffins. And so does the family. So, that's great. These are vegan, but don't taste like cardboard. Yippee! They are baking as I type...and I think everyone should make these. Today. Happy October.

1.5 cups whole wheat pastry flour

1/2 c. rolled oats

2 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 c. raw sugar
1/4 c. brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground ginger
a dash of nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt
1 c. unsweetened applesauce
1 c. apple, diced
1/4 c. pure maple syrup

Preheat oven to 350 F. Grease muffin tin or spray paper liners to prevent sticking and set aside. In a large bowl, whisk flour, oats, baking soda, baking powder, salt and spices together until well combined. Add applesauce, sugars and maple, then stir until almost combined. add apples, stirring until just combined. Spoon into muffin cups 3/4 full. Sprinkle additional oats and brown sugar over top if desired. Bake 18-25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Nutritional information Nutrition Facts

Serving Size 1 muffin

Amount per serving:

Calories 124; Fat 0.40g; Carbohydrate 28.80g; Dietary Fiber 2.40g; Sugars 15.40g; Protein 1.80g

Recipe courtesty of The Happy Herbivore

Sammy's Video

2011-10-18T13:39:00.001-07:00

Now I Can just sent a video of Sammy during her therapy. It was so so fun to relive those 3 weeks. We haven't even been home 2 weeks, but it feels like it was so long ago that we were there. Anyway, it was a fun video of her to watch. I'm so proud of her!

Brandon Flowers

2011-10-14T20:56:00.001-07:00

My Community

2011-10-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

When I became pregnant with Samantha, I had no idea I was joining a community that would be so uplifting. I certainly knew I'd join the ranks of motherhood and would be connected to the millions around the world who are parents. The idea of starting our family filled me with such...joy. True joy. We made our decision to start our family, and do it right away. We knew it was right, and we felt such deep happiness.

But, parenthood is filled with a many of sub-groups, or sub-communities.

mothers of daughters

mormon families

"newlywed" parents

student families

BYU babies

special needs families

I never could have anticipated that we would be entering the special needs community. And as shocking as it was at first, I have felt a change of heart. That shock has turned to love and deep appreciation for the many I have met who have been in this community far longer than I have. I've learned from the many who continue to share their insights and their hearts with me.

I know I've shared this before, but I have loved being a part of Kidz. Recently, it was featured on KSL in Utah. Even though Tara, who started the blog, is from Utah and so it gets a lot of readers from there, this is a blog that helps people worldwide. I'm so honored to be a part of it. One of my favorite parts of being in Utah, aside from Samantha's progress with therapy, was being able to meet some of these moms who I've been writing with and getting to know. Meeting them in person helped solidify my love and compassion for them.

This community is incredible. Some of the kindness, gentlest, wisest people I know are elite members of the special needs community, and I'm happy to be a part of it...even if it means some heartache here and there...it's one great group to be a part of.

And being a part of this community, led us to entering another:

families who adopt

What a blessing.

Had to Share....

2011-10-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

I need to pack up the car. We're headed back to California tomorrow, the kids are in bed, Marcus is at the football game, and I really really need to load up the car and get things ready so we can leave in the morning. But, I needed a distraction. Why? Because I needed to be distracted from the deep sadness I feel from losing a pair of earrings that I still can't find. When I feel up to it, I'll share about these earrings.

So, Pinterest came to my rescue. Thanks Pinny. You always do the trick. And when I saw this, I laughed. And laughed some more. In fact, I think my spirits are sufficiently bouyed up enough to carry on. But, I do need to share this before I start working again. (I'm sure this makes me a horrible mom....but it still makes me laugh. Maybe because Marcus' family is such Lord of the Rings fans...this is Lord of the Rings, right? That's how backward I am.)

Sweet dreams friends.

And you thought putting your child on Santa's lap was bad?

Kneeling and Standing

2011-10-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

We, able bodies, take positions like kneeling and standing for granted. But, when you can't do those things, and then begin to...and do it well...wow. It's pretty awesome.

Today I caught some video of the Lil' Samsquatch kneeling and standing. Yes, she's in her suit so that helps, but not until today could she hold a position this long. She's a champ.

As a side note: Brady is the volunteer today. I find Sammy growing an affection with him -- and it occurred to me that he looks like David! As in, cousin David. Family, any of you agree? Susan, could Brady be your son? I think so.

hilarious!

2011-10-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Source: touchoursandwich.tumblr.com via Abigail on Pinterest

Pictures taken in the middle of Olympic dives. Hilarious! I love it.

A Thank You Letter

2011-10-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

I was asked to write a letter to the donors at Now I Can, explaining our experience. I thought I'd write it here as well. I was also asked to post it on Kidz.

To Whom it May Concern:

When we stumbled across Now I Can, it felt right. I frequently follow my feelings -- but this feeling required more money than I usually spend, so I did my research. And our decision was made. We weren't sure how, but we were getting our Samantha to Utah.

After we decided, we scheduled her session, and miracles began to happen. The finances appeared little by little. A place to stay opened up for us (we are from California). And everything just fell into place.

Upon arriving and beginning therapy at Now I Can, those tiny miracles continued. Samantha is 5 years old with extremely tight muscles (high muscle tone). In just 3 weeks, I've seen more improvement in her body and body control than I've seen in over a year! She stands with increased stability now, flat on her feet a majority of the time. She stands straight up instead of with her back hunched over. And she extends her arms out further than she once could.

Since being here, I've seen many physical changes in her, but I also see a proverbial door opening up for her as she gains control and learns to master her body. What an incredible gift of increased quality of life. With each stretch and movement here, her future opportunities are increasing. She gains better knowledge of the world around her as she gains the proper mobility that enables her to explore it. Again, what a gift.

Please take it most sincerely when I say Thank You. Thank you for supporting Now I Can -- a seemingly small facility that brings about incredible change.

Sincerely,
Jeanette G.

Friends

2011-10-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

Last week I was able to meet up with some friends. I was so glad I could. These are little kiddos I've been wanting to meet for a long time (though there are still so so so many more that I want to meet -- and their moms!). It was a nice, warm day at the park in Provo. These are some amazing moms and some amazing kids. My heart just feels so full thinking about them.

Chrystal, Hunter, and Kaitlin

Hunter

Chloe

At the swings.

Callie, Chloe, Tara, and Sammy

Chloe and Samantha actually became quick friends.

All of the kids -- Chloe and Sammy gazing at each other, Callie trying to be patient, Kaitlin looking a bit bored, and Hunter just waiting it out. :)

Me and Sammy with the beautiful mountain backdrop.

Jumping Jacks

2011-10-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm a little behind on things I wanted to write about. Oh well.

Yesterday, after therapy, we needed to go have some fun. We needed to just ~ have fun. One of the therapists at Now I Can gave me some discounted passes to a place called Jumping Jacks not too far from here. We went, and we loved it! Then we hit Cafe Rio. It was a pretty great afternoon.

Sammy was sooo happy!

And our little dare devil Callie -- she was all about doing it herself . It was pretty fun to watch her.

So, I like this picture of Sammy because you can really see her standing straighter. Sometimes I still think "Is this therapy doing anything?" But then I see this and realize...look at her shoulders pulled back, she's standing straight up, etc. She may look a little crazy, but she's standing straight.

Aw. Sammy's so cute. And ... my hair is brown.

So. Much. Fun.

This was just what we needed. A day of fun.

This is moments before Marcus drops her down the big slide. She loved it. Check out the video.

I think this video is hilarious. Samantha loved the slide, which is great. But it's Callie that makes this so fun. She runs up and tackles Sammy after she gets down. Ahhhh sister love. Sometimes I'm reminded of just how perfectly imperfect our family is. I love that Callie and Samantha have this bond that only true sisters have. It doesn't matter their background...these 2 are sisters ~ in every meaning of the word.

Almost Over?

2011-10-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that the time has passed so quickly. When we arrived, I thought, for sure, that these 3 weeks were going to feel like very long THREE weeks. But, the time has just flown by for me.

Samantha is doing well. She still cries but tolerates a bit more each day. I've wondered if she had a different problem -- like instead of having super tight muscles she had really low muscle tone -- if that would make the experience less painful and difficult for her. I hate to hear her cry and be upset. But, I do know it's good for her. And, admist the cries, she still smiles. She still stumbles when she walks, but overall, I can see that she is more comfortable in a more erect posture. She stands taller and straighter. And, if you think about it, babies learn to stand before they start taking those first steps. So, I'm good with her getting a solid standing posture.

I just can't believe it's Tuesday of our last week. I feel so blessed to have been here. Sergio has a gift and I am grateful he was able to work with Samantha. I look forward to April when we hope to return.

Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

2011-10-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This was so fun to read. I partly wanted to read it because my sister-in-law, Annie, rates this among her favorite books. But, I have been wanting to read a good, fun book. This fit the bill. In the Disney version of Peter Pan, I liked Peter (or I think I did). In the book though, I found myself annoyed with him. Perhaps I'm just too grown-up.

It was a fun book that Callie keeps asking me to read to her -- and I will one day.

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National Microcephaly Day

2011-09-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

It's true.

They have one.

National Microcephaly Day

is today

September 30

This is what Microcephaly means to me:

A little over a year ago, a friend asked me to be a guest poster on her blog. I was to answer the question "How do you do it?" I wrote about Microcephaly and Motherhood. You can read the entire article, but it's the last paragraph that really sums up my feelings about microcephaly.

~*~*~*~*~*~

How do I do it? Many days I can’t work on my projects. Some days bedtime still seems too far away. And my faith has definitely waivered. But the number one thing that keeps me going is the little girl with big blue eyes and rosy red lips. Samantha’s giggle warms my soul. Her smile makes my heart do little leaps. Her eyes tell me stories that I won’t hear in this lifetime. Her stumbling walk and awkward movements sometimes actually bring us great comic relief! She is clever and funny and really a joy to be around. Everyone loves this little girl! I want to be with her. I want to be by her side as much as I can. I want to be her Mom. I want to be her advocate. I want to tap into the potential within her and make her shine brighter than she does now. I want to teach her. I want to hug her. I want to kiss her little cheeks. I want to struggle as I put curlers in her hair. Tonight, I didn’t want to have to rock her to sleep, but as I did, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I want her to know, even if she doesn’t understand the words “I love you,” I need to be certain that she gets it…that she feels it. I want to experience it all with her because she is my earthly angel and I’d rather laugh with her or struggle and fight than not have her by my side. Microcephaly and motherhood. Sometimes it really doesn’t seem so bad after all. Truly.

That may not be how I do it, but it’s certainly why I do it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

If microcephaly brought me this little gem, I'll take it.

I'll take the whole package.

You can find out a little bit more about Samantha's microcephaly on my Kidz post.

Proof of Progress

2011-09-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, after walking around campus and being sorely disappointed that the t-shirt Marcus wanted was sold out, we went to a park. While we were there, we really began to notice Samantha's improvement. In particular, her standing has become more solid and straight. I was impressed that, even though she had to readjust her stance and move a bit, she was able to do it without moving all over the place, and she was able to get right back into position...to feel where her body should be and get there. She has a lot more progress to be made, but she's doing well.

This first video is from our first weekend here...before she started therapy. We were in the Eyring Science Center and she was walking around. I thought I should get some "before" video. You can really see how she hunches over and walks, kind of in an out of control way...the drunken sailor....moving solely on her momentum. She leans forward and needs to swing her legs to keep up with her body that is leading.

These next 2 videos show a bit of her progress after a week (plus some change). Her walk could still improve, but she has more control. She's standing taller, straighter, less spastic movements. All of this without any orthotics or suits. It's all her. Again, she has a way to go, but I think those foundations are being put into place.

That Feeling...

2011-09-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

There's a certain feeling you get when you feel like your feeling the feeling of feeling the Spirit.

It's true.

It's the "I think it may be the Spirit, but I'm not sure...maybe it's me, but it could be the Spirit..." I have found in those times, for me, it is often the (upper case) Spirit nudging my own (lower case) spirit.

The past couple days have been crazy. We're doing a lot, we're thinking a lot, we're having to make decisions, we're relying on the Lord for guidance. And I think I'm feeling the Spirit. I feel peace. I feel calm. And even when things may not look like 1 +1 = 2, it feels that why.

I'm grateful for peace. I'm grateful for the promptings we receive, but I think I'm even more grateful for the comfort that the Spirit offers. I'm not sure what it is, exactly, I feel good about....if it's the optional decision I've been weighing in my mind and heart, or if that peace means that it will just all work out like it should ~ almost as if the decision will be made for me and I'll be good with that.

When Samantha was born, I felt peace. At the time, I believed that meant Sammy would be OK. Medically speaking, she wasn't OK. But I learned something very valuable from that experience that has helped me out a lot. It's the concept of trusting the Lord. Even when I feel like my decision is made, and I feel that peace...I'm able to feel that acceptance that it's OK if the Lord alters that for me. I couldn't do that before. And, I'm probably not as good as I ought to be. But, overall, I guess that's how I feel right now. Does any of this even make sense? The point: I trust the Lord. I trust Him in all my decisions. I trust Him in my life. I trust Him with Samantha, and Callie, and Marcus, and me. I trusted Him before this life, I trust Him now, and I trust that He will let me in on His plan and what He was thinking after this life! And, ultimately, that's what brings me the peace.

So, when I feel like I'm feeling that feeling of feeling the Spirit, I can trust that maybe...just maybe I am...and I can go with it...and allow the Lord's hand to move in my life.

That feels good.

Michael Ririe

2011-09-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I didn't get too many pictures of Samantha. I was busy. She was doing well without me, and I was...busy. (Possibly on post on that one day in the future.) These were the two pictures I got of her. At least they were happy, but not a whole lot to choose from to put on this here blog.

Yesterday, however, there was someone else at Now I Can taking pictures. His name: Michael Ririe. He's a photographer who has become...oh...invested, I suppose, in Now I Can. I talked with him a little bit and I was impressed with his sincerity. He's not just a photographer who has a good eye for a picture and what it can tell those who view it. He has the heart for it as well. He not only sees it, but he has that deep desire to share the story behind the photograph. So, that's what he did with Now I Can. When he came across this little 'ole therapy place, and found out what it is that they do here...how they help families and give hope to so many, he wanted to share that. He asked founder Tracey Christensen if he could create a photo essay for Now I Can, and they immediately began working together. The photos were displayed in 2 separate locations -- at the Covey Center for the Arts in Provo and the Orem Public Library (Orem). There was such a community response from his work, that he is now doing an additional project, which I believe is meant to become a book (proceeds to go to Now I Can).

Yesterday. He was here. Taking pictures. And he caught some of our Sammy. I'm not sure if she was in her best form, in fact, ok, I know...she wasn't. But he said he'll be back next week as well. If she's in the book or not...it would be cool, but it's the fact that this project is even happening...that someone felt so strongly about this program...and that he ~ Michael Ririe ~ would take time from him family and work to create something for these kids. For my kid. On top of that, he's just a cool guy.

Take a few seconds and check out his Now I Can photo essay that was displayed. I love it. I feel like he shows the reality of intensive therapy here. There are smiles, but there are also tears and screams. Why? Because these kiddos are working their tails off. They are being pushed to do things that few believed they could ever do. One of my favorite pictures in the series is of a little boy. He is standing in the spider cage, arms stretched out as Sergio stretches his leg back. He is a very unhappy little boy. He is definitely crying. But, even though he's upset, he keeps his arm stretched out. He knows what he needs to do....it doesn't mean he likes it, but he knows, or at least trusts, that this is good for him. In the series of pictures, yes, you see tears, but you also see smiles, triumph, and victory. Check it out.

The Happy Herbivore by Lindsay S. Nixon

2011-09-27T22:03:00.001-07:00

The Happy Herbivore Cookbook: Over 175 Delicious Fat-Free and Low-Fat Vegan Recipes by Lindsay S. Nixon
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Who "reads" cookbooks? I had never. I usually look through them, but not read them like a real book. But when The Happy Herbivore came in the mail, I read it. I started by just reading the beginning, and then my curiousity got me going and I kept reading. And kept reading. And kept reading. Until it was done.

I wanted to have a cookbook that gave me good options for healthy recipes. So far, there are some I like, some I love, and there was one that was...not good...but Callie and Samantha still ate it with pleasure. I like the cookbook. It is giving me easy options for healthier alternatives to what we are currently eating. And my family is liking it too. So, yippee for that.

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Who Are These Children? by Gena and Michael Calta

2011-09-27T09:49:00.001-07:00

Who Are These Children? by Gena K. Calta
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I read this book awhile ago when a friend mailed it to me. If you follow my blog, you'll notice that this year I haven't read a lot of fiction...at all. Is this fiction? Yes. Based on real life? Definitely. Immediately I was interested. Plus, it's about a little boy with special needs and well, I've been very interested in these books as I work on my own book.

Though this is written for, I would say, a general Christian audience, as an LDS woman, it was obvious (I think anyway) that the authors were also LDS. I appreciated the similar opinions and views we had. A large part of the plot is a dream. The dream takes place during the pre-existence. I thought it was interesting, but it felt a little too LDS fiction for me. What do I mean? I'm not sure exactly. So it's probably very unfair for me to even say that. And I wince a little, even, saying that. Maybe because I feel like it makes me a bad person or something. Partly, I think I personally have a hard time reading fictionalized accounts of true events -- historical fiction -- when it comes to the church. Is that weird?

However. I NEED to say this. Because this was what made me LOVE this book. There is a scene at the end of the book. The boy's mother has passed away. And, years later, he does as well. Upon dying, he meets his mother. She barely recognizes him because he is in a perfected state. But she sees his eyes, and his smile, and she knows it's him. All his physical ailments are gone. They embrace, and the authors couldn't have done a better job of articulating that moment...the moment I so look forward to having with Samantha one day. I was in tears. It was months ago that I read the book, and it still brings back that feeling for me. It has made me realize that this life, no matter what trial or hardship comes along, is worth it. Every single day, I think about what I read in that book -- about that mother and son, surrounded by other family members who had passed away. I felt such joy as I read that. And it has seriously made every single "difficult" moment worth it. Because, I realized...or perhaps re-realized, that life is so short. Our pain and sadness. Our discouragement and frustration. It's only a moment. And I want to one day be able to stand before the Lord and say that I had faith during those moments...and feel qualified to embrace my perfected Samantha, to talk and run with her, laugh and joyfully cry together. This book was worth every word I read just to get to that part of the book. And, I really needed to read it all to feel like I did when I got to that part. It was perfect and beautiful. I would recommend it to everyone, because whether you live with what we traditionally think of as special needs or not...we all have needs that are special and unique to us, that make life seem hard and painful. And this book, reading that moment that was so beautifully crafted, put it all into perspective for me. I always try to live optimistically, but this did something more for me.

It really changed my life.

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Week 2 Begins

2011-09-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we are starting our second week here at Now I Can. Seriously? I guess that means we still have 2 full weeks, but still. It's crazy. She's doing well. I'm finding myself going back and forth about how I'm feeling about her progress. I see progress, and I feel good about it all...but I still wish there was more. Ya know?

Yesterday, I expressed my feelings to Sergio and Jordan. I want them to always know how I feel about this stuff. It's important to me...and I think it's because they have made it so clear that it's important to them. Don't you love people like that? Anyway. A BYU student volunteer was in the room with me while I was telling them about how I was feeling; she said something that rang so true. She was able to perfectly articulate what I was feeling. I think.

I can't tell you what I expected from this therapy, other than to help her. I didn't have any definite thing I wanted. So, I wasn't sure why I was feeling discouraged. That's when Smart Volunteer (I don't know her name, but I'm giving her the title "Smart" -- so hopefully that makes up for a lack of name) said, "Maybe it's more that you expected the unexpected. Huge things happen here, so maybe you couldn't put your finger on the one thing you wanted her to do, but you were looking forward to seeing that unexpected progress." Boom baby. That was it. That is it. And I feel silly about that. But seriously. I know I mentioned it before, but the little boy here with us couldn't walk. Could. Not. Walk. One week later, he's walking with a walker and crutches. That is unexpected to say the least. Samantha's progress has been slow and "normal" and what's exciting about that? Other than the fact that by small and simple things, great things are brought to pass. So, every time I feel a little ho, hum, I remember that this is a stepping stone. Even the progress she has made is better than the progress she was making before (in terms of speed). I'm grateful and need to just focus on the good. Focus on the good.

Samantha with Sergio ~ pictured with Smart Volunteer

This is her tired face. Physical therapy is no easy task, and after a weekend of no therapy, she's wasn't overly excited to come back and work...but I still think she's a champ.

Joy

2011-09-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

Last night, while Marcus and I were playing ping pong, Bryan held Samantha as she dozed off to sleep. Samantha is such a cuddler. I love how she can make herself comfortable in people's arms. She just finds that place against your body and in your arm and curls right up. Now that she's getting bigger, it feels a little different, but she's done this exact thing since she was a baby.

Sometimes, I allow myself to go to that really horribly dark place...the place that tells me that she may one day pass away before I'm ready to let her go. It's not a good place to go to, but it happens. I somehow open the door and walk in...knowing I shouldn't, but I do anyway. And I feel so sad. I think of the last time that I may hold her like this, not knowing that the next day I won't have that chance...for the rest of my life. I think of her absence and it breaks me. Of the things I would miss about Samantha -- her smile, her giggle, her big blue eyes, her soft silky hair, her light -- it's just holding her like this that I believe I'd miss the most. When I hold her, even as she falls asleep, I feel her giggle, smile, and light...her spirit. I've experienced it nearly everyday for her life. And nothing feels just like it. No other baby or child holds himself like she does. No other baby or child has a head that is perfectly doll-like as hers is...resting against me. And that, I would sorely miss. Her, calmly in my arms. But then I come back through that grave door -- to a happier, lighter place. I enter back into life where I sincerely rejoice that she is in my life and that I have her with me now. And I giggle with her, and laugh at her funny faces. I find humor in certain situations and my faith and love grow more than I ever thought possible. This little girl taught me that the heart's capacity to love is immeasurable. And knowing that I'll be with her for eternity brings me earthly happiness and a heavenly joy that I look forward to experiencing.

I love you Sammy.

Sunday Family Gathering

2011-09-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we were hoping to get together with all the cousins in the area, but you can only coordinate so many schedules. So we were able to have some quality time with Sam, Kelsie, and Jared. It was simple but fun. I'm hoping to do it again before we go back to California.

Bryan, Sam, Kelsie, Callie, Jared, Marcus, Samantha

Family and Friends

2011-09-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

One advantage of having therapy here in Utah is we've had the chance to catch up with family and friends. This past Saturday we headed to Cafe Rio. I love Cafe Rio. This was an exciting occasion. In addition to the food, we saw Spencer (who I don't think I've seen since our wedding!), Eric (cousin), and his...wait for it...fiance (YEAH) Angela. (They became engaged a few hours after we had our little reunion. I'm so happy.) It was fun to see them all and eat, talk, and hang out for a bit. I wish we could do it more often.

Bryan, Samantha, Spencer, Eric, Angela, Callie, Marcus, some pregnant-looking lady who people confused me with

After Cafe Rio, we headed to Bryant and Taeko Smith's. Bryant was helping us with our computer and Callie and Rionna started playing. (I hope I'm spelling names correctly here.) Callie and Rionna played well together...aren't they so cute together? We're going to try to get together again sometime before we head back to California. Callie would love that.

Freakin' Out Friday

2011-09-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Friday. Oh Friday. Sammy actually did better, in general. I was able to be in there with her for a larger part of the session, which was nice. But, because of that I didn't get to blogging about the day...but priorities here, ya know?

As great as she did, for some reason, after therapy was over, I kind of freaked out. Not in the way that you would think...all spazy and crazy like. No, it was more of an inner turmoil thing I had going on. She came home with this tape all over her body...kinesiotape. We've used it before and I think it's good stuff. It was funny because it was on her fingers, and I thought of Wolverine. At first, I thought it was totally cool -- all hot pink therapied out. But when I got in the car, something hit me. It was the weekend. We had just finished our first week of therapy. We are 1/3 done. And, what progress has she really made? We only have 2 weeks left. And as much as I've told all my friends and family that my expectations weren't huge, deep down, I think they were, even though I was unaware of it. I have heard all this wonderful stuff about Now I Can, and so, even though I didn't know exactly what to expect, I think my expectations of .... something... were high. Hello Jenny. It's been 5 days. But still. I panicked a little bit. And on top of that, Sammy was looking a bit -- ohhh, strange. My beautiful beautiful daughter had hot pink tape all over her body. She no longer looked like a miniature superhero. She looked like a special needs child all taped up because her body doesn't work like it should.

I was sad.

I got home with Sammy, tried to be chipper, but I chipper, I was not.

I cried.

And then I took a much needed 3 hour nap. Thank you Marcus. (Callie's been having what we think are night terrors, and it's really starting to take a toll on me. But at least it's not bothering her.)

Later, Friday night, I was talking to Steele and Ciera (who we're staying with). Steele was asking for more info about the therapy and I gave him all the answers I knew. I even went to our blog here so he could see the suit and blah blah blah. It was then, during that conversation, that I realized how great she really has been doing. I mean, seriously. In ONE week, she is now standing straighter and extending her arms further. In FIVE measly days! Do you know how long we have tried for that to happen? YEARS. And in five days, she's using her body more efficiently and correctly. That's not nothin'. How can we possibly tackle the big stuff if she can't master the (what appears to be) smaller stuff?

So, I went to bed happier.

And I'm ready for tomorrow.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Samantha during therapy on Friday. Just chillin'.

I told Sergio I'd try to keep Samantha's hands out of her mouth, and he said not to worry about it. He knew it wouldn't last through the weekend...but that tape lasted awhile. And, now that I'm looking at this picture, I can tell a difference in Samantha even sitting in her carseat. She's usually more curled forward. She looks like she's sitting in there so big and tall. It's kind of weird to see actually...but dang cute too.

So, mid-rolling over...just to see how taped up this girl really is. Hands, arms, back, inner thighs, feet, and ankles.

You'd think she had weak ankles and was off to play a soccer game or something. But, I think this taping on her feet actually made a difference in helping her get her ankles to the ground. We'll see how next week goes, but Sergio is pretty confident we'll add some more range of movement down there in those there ankles...sure would be nice.

happy

2011-09-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

today, i sat in sacrament meeting with callie on my lap. marcus was a few seats down holding sammy. callie laid her head on my chest and i looked over and saw sammy close to marcus. and i felt happy.

last night elder uchtdoft addressed the women of the world. he advised us not to wait for our "golden ticket" -- thinking that when we get that one thing that we are hoping for, our life will be perfect. the damage in waiting for that ticket is that we often overlook the blessings we already have in our lives. i had forgotten about that part of his address until i sat in sacrament meeting, with callie against me, and watching marcus lovingly hold our other sweet little girl.

and i counted my blessings. or, at least 3 of them.

Thursday Family Fun

2011-09-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

Our days here in Provo are more than just therapy. Yes, it's true. The purpose of this little get-away was for Samantha and to attend Now I Can. But, when will we have a chance to spend 3 weeks together like this again? Honestly. Once Marcus starts working again, this will not happen. (Which makes me wonder about doing round 2 of Now I Can.) We're trying to make it fun for Callie -- and us -- so we do as much as we can after therapy. Yesterday, we hit BYU's Museum of Paleontology, the stadium's Farmers' Market, and the BYU football stadium.

The museum itself is quite small, but I thought it was interesting. It was actually the perfect size for Callie's attention span. We taught Callie about the different teeth and she became pretty good at identifying carnivorous vs. herbivorous? haha Seriously, how do you say that? I'll go the easy route and just say that she could distinguish between carnivores and herbivores by the time we left.

Marcus was most impressed by this giant sloth.

And this large head...MUCH larger than Callie...shocked me. Can you imagine this thing coming at you?!

Then we went to the Farmers' Market. They just started one that is located at the stadium parking lot. I was excited to go because, for whatever reason, I love farmers' markets. Marcus thinks it's silly that I love them so much. But, there's something about people growing their own stuff and selling it...meeting the vendors...I just love it. Marcus thought Callie would like getting a face paint, and she did, except she got it on her hand and arm. A fish. With bubbles. And glitter! She loved it.

This picture (below) was so startling when we were going through all we took at the end of the day. Ah! Callie. Don't eat me! She was supposed to be showing us her painting, but she looks, well, scary.

The stadium as open, so we went in and walked around. No one seemed to care, so we stayed longer. This is the closest I'll probably get to a football game while we're here. Marcus keeps telling me I can get tickets, but that would just be complicated with Samantha and Callie. Anyway, it was fun to go through the stadium. It brought back a lot of good memories, and I got really excited actually. I could have sat there all day. That makes me weird I'm sure.

And hello, these seats are definitely the way to go. I've never sat in these before, but they are the best. I can imagine a much more comfortable football viewing experience with these blue babies.

I took a series of pictures of Callie rolling over the benches. At first I thought it was really funny because it looks like she's falling...that is, until she really did fall and hurt herself. Oops.

I'm really glad to have gone to BYU. I really love it here. While we were sitting on the bleachers, I looked over and saw the flag, the stadium, and the gorgeous mountains. My sophomore year, some friends from home saw a picture of our stadium and asked me "Does it really look like this?! It's gorgeous. It's just unreal how beautiful it is." I didn't appreciate it. At the time I felt some cougar pride, but aside from that, I was so used to the mountains as my daily backdrop. Yesterday, I took a moment to breath it all in. It really is beautiful here.

Thursday Therapy

2011-09-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

Samantha sometimes does better when I'm not in the room with her. So, I'm often taking pictures behind glass...but today, I was able to get some shots of her without a glass filter. Nice.

Nice half-kneel position.

Yes her pants are hanging that low. I couldn't keep them up! Standing pretty well. It would have been better if she wasn't chewing her fingers...then her shoulders would have been more relaxed again.

Come on girl. Tough it out. You can see Sergio is pushing her hand on the ground with her fingers out. Not a comfortable position for Sammy, but a good one nonetheless.

Ah. Now that's the girl we know and love...only moments later.

I thought this was funny. At the end of the day, Sergio had her walk back to me. She was doing well except for the fact she was leading with her head...so she was kind of sticking her head out forward. Sergio took her head and held it back and she started giggling. It was cute. A good way to end the day...giggling.

See Her at Now I Can

2011-09-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

Since we've been here, I haven't been able to upload any video. Grrr Until...today. Sergio suggested I upload it onto their computer...then I'll just delete it off. Anyway. I plan on making our own little video of all of our stuff after the 3 weeks, but for today, you get to see Sammy at Now I Can...in a few glimpses.

In this first one, she was being fitted for her suit for the first time and getting ready to take off!

This is also during that first day evaluation. She was sitting in the neurosuit doing some small tasks so they could see how everything fit and worked out. I love the people who work here. I really can't say enough. They are so so so good with kids, and that's important to me, obviously. It's a love/hate relationship for Sammy. She doesn't like having to work hard and doing the uncomfortable things, but she loves them too. It's cute.

Finally, here's some footage of her in the spider cage. I have to ask again how this works because I know I'll explain it wrong, but from what I understand, she is perfectly centered in there. With the cords in each direction, it is maintaining stability that she doesn't naturally have. So, as she works on exercises in there, she is gradually gaining better control on her own.

Friendz

2011-09-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

When we knew we'd be coming to Utah to attend Now I Can, there were a few things on my "to do" list. Among the many things, I am going to catch up with my awesome, super radical friend, Marci, who I don't see nearly enough. I am going to get together with all our family in Provo -- more than I realized. I am going to get my hair cut and colored. And I am going to meet some fabulous women who I call my friends, but who I've never met.

Yes. You've read my correctly. Over the past year...maybe a bit more?...I've been a part of Kidz. I love it. I have been strengthened, uplifted, and motivated by all who have participated on this blog. And, I have felt very honored to be a part of the Kidz Krew (a group of us who are regular contributors). So, I really wanted to meet my friendz from Kidz. I instigated the idea for a little Ladies' Night Out...and Ladies' Night Out was had. Last night. Gardner Village. Awesome dinner. Incredible company. I knew it before meeting them, but I now, face to face, I felt their spirits, strength, and love. It was so fun...I stayed out too late and ate too much...but it was very worth it.

me, Chrystal, Jennie, Tara, and April

It's a Hard Knock Life

2011-09-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's official. Samantha hates life. So much so that I had to leave because I found myself tearing up. I know this is good for her, but it still makes me sad to see her so sad and so uncomfortable. Remember what I wrote a few days ago about how it's ok to be unhappy? Forget it. I was temporarily delusional. What was I thinking? (sigh) And let me clarify, she doesn't just hate life, she really really really hates life today. Fabulous.

Wednesday the Worst

2011-09-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

On Monday I was warned that Wednesday is typically the worst day of therapy. They've been here 1 full day and realize "I don't want to do this." They fight more and cry. But today, I think Samantha actually did better. She's been more compliant over all, and we're already seeing her respond to the therapy -- meaning she's standing straighter on her own out of the suit. That makes me happy.

Of course she starts the day with stretching. And, she did much better this time. Then the suit came on. Today Jordan, a different volunteer, came and Samantha seemed to just love him. She would frequently look up at him. It was cute.

While Sammy was in her suit, of course they practiced different positions. This includes sitting, in a kneel position, and of course standing. In all positions she is showing improvement.

After a snack while in her stander, she did some more muscle type things. Like how professional I am about it? And she continued to happily gaze up at Jordan.

Samantha has always hated the ball. She hates being stretched like this, but she has tolerated it rather well. Hopefully when we get back to California, Kathy (her regular PT) will be able to get Sammy back on the ball so we can maintain the progress here. I've never seen Samantha sprawled out like that. Fantastic.

In the spider cage again. They spent more time in here today. Yesterday it was just sitting. Today, they did kneeling, kneeling on 1 knee into a stand position, etc. She's just so cute. I can't take it!

This therapy business is rough. It's tiring. It's hard work. But she's doing well. I'm proud of her. We still have many days ahead of us, but her strength will improve and I'm confident that as these things become easier for her, that she'll actually enjoy some of this!

Second Full Day

2011-09-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, Tuesday was Sammy's first full day of therapy. Full day = 4 hours. So, it's not as bad as it sounds. But, it was still rough. She was stretched, in many ways. And she was forced to use her body in ways that have never been used before. She complained. And sometimes she complained rather loudly. But, she was also fun and delightful at moments...the moments when she wasn't being put to work. To me, however, that was just proof that there was no real harm done. She can complain all she wants, as loud as she wants, but then she was perfectly fine when things were finished. So, she can tough it out. She's a tough girl. And I can be a tough mom. (sniffle, sniffle)

Her morning started with stretching. Seriously? Why hasn't anyone ever suggested I stretch her? And, why hadn't I thought of this on my own? It just seems natural. We stretch before we exercise (or should anyway). And for Sammy, she's always tight. So stretching is good for her. She was mostly happy until they stretched her arms and shoulders, back and neck. But this morning she did much better with it. Jordan worked with Sammy today. She's so great. And Sammy seems to like her smile, soft voice, and gentle touch. Nate, who is the office manager (?), also came in to assist and help out. He's also so kind. I mean, seriously. Everyone here is so great. They all love what they do, and that probably helps a lot.

WAIT! What is this?! I just glanced over at Sammy doing therapy (I'm in a private room that I can look through the darkened glass), and she is being held down, stretched, and she's SMILING?! What is this?! There are still miracles today, people. Ok...back to yesterday.

When it was time for the suit, she was only mildly hesitant. She was basically cooperative. Many have asked about the function of this suit. I found out a little more yesterday. It all began quite a few years back with NASA. They found that their astronauts were coming back with weakened bones. Our bones, and body in general, become stronger as we work with force and resistance. This is why resistance training is good for our bodies and to prevent osteoporosis. When the astronauts were in space, there is no gravity, so they weren't getting any resistance...at all. They came back home, and their bone density had decreased. So NASA developed a suit that they could wear while in space that would provide resistance so they could maintain proper physical health. Now, the concept of that suit is what the creators of this suit were inspired by. What if the right resistance was placed on the right part of the body that needed it, in order to gain proper strength. Proper strength...meaning...using that part of the body properly. I know I'm not explaining this perfectly. But I'm trying here. With this suit used during therapy, which was originally designed in Poland, they found that they were able to trigger parts of the body that hadn't been working properly before...and weaken parts of the body that were overused and actually causing problems. And the best part of it all, is that this suit can be adjusted per person, per use, per whatever. It's individualized. And this is what Samantha is wearing each day for part of her therapy.

Next Samantha went into the Stander. I don't know about this for sure, but I'm not going to push it. We'll see. I did think she looked kind of cute though. They strapped her into a...thing... There was some foam rolls placed behind her knees and at the small of her back. This is supposed to give her the feeling of how we would naturally stand. She stood there while I fed her a snack. Even "breaks" are used for work here.

Next on her agenda was the Spider Cage. Now, Sergio explained it all to me, but I'm not sure if I could quite explain it again. I do know, however, that one of the goals here is to change Samantha's center of gravity from her thorasic area (upper back) to where it should be...lower back (2nd vertebra of her sacrum). This spider cage makes her perfectly centered. Apparently it feels pretty cool. They worked on sitting it in with her today. At this point, she was pretty ready to be done, but she was still ok. Just whiny.

And then, to finish up the day, Sergio did some final work with her. Some movement things, etc. He did apply kinesio-tape to her back and shoulders which we've used before in Spokane. It's light...just tape..but the touch, alone, on parts of your body will trigger responses...like "use me!"

The rest of the day was pretty laid back. Samantha was pretty exhausted. We hung out with Bryan at his apartment for a bit, then came home and hung out, played in the yard, and had dinner. Marcus thought Samantha already looked like she was standing straighter. I agree, but we're both unsure if we should say that too early. I mean, aren't we jumping the gun a little bit on that one? Probably. But...maybe not.

Callie playing ping pong with a teddy bear.

Dinner time!!!

A new "cup" I bought Sammy. I think this looks a little bit more "big girl" than those sippy cups with a straw that she can chew to bits. This works and she can actually hold it a little better.

Final play time before bed.

Today seems to be going well. She's let us know her opinions, but she's been overall happier. That makes me happy. See, sometimes total unhappiness doesn't have to last long...just until we start to figure things out.

The Veganist by Kathy Freston

2011-09-20T21:01:00.001-07:00

Veganist: Lose Weight, Get Healthy, Change the World by Kathy Freston

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This was good. Informative. But having already read The China Study, I felt much of it was repetitive. What I did like about this book was the personal stories that supported her claims. They were interesting and it made it real to me. What is also helpful is that she offers suggestions on what to do with sample menus. It was good. I would suggest anyone read it...especially if you want the same information found in The China Study without having to read thick language.

View all my reviews

It's OK to be Unhappy

2011-09-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Sammy's in therapy right now. She's working, but I'm the one taking a break. The morning started off well with some stretches. She was pretty good about that. But once stretching was over and the suit went on...it all went downhill. She's been very unhappy.

But it's ok to be unhappy.

And here's why.

Samantha's body doesn't work as it should. For years now, she's been functioning on dysfunction. She walks, but she does so with tight arms, bent over body, and almost every muscle in her body flexed. Some would say, "Who cares? She's walking isn't she?" True. But, with every step, every movement, she is cementing into her brain what is wrong. And then, everything else becomes more difficult for her. It's not about walking. It's about understanding her body and her world around her. Being able to relax and use her arms to explore her world, to pick things up, and to hold our hand. It's about being able to be more self-sufficient and be able to rely on herself for her needs -- even if, she is dependent on us for her care, there are things that she can learn to do, correctly, like drink from a cup and get on and off a couch. I know that she can do those things. She just needs to relearn how to properly move her body...and that may be uncomfortable for her. She may be unhappy about it for a bit. As her mom, I've decided that's ok.

I was thinking about that this morning and I thought about how true that is for us all -- or maybe just me. Sometimes life just kind of stinks. We can feel like we're doing everything right...we're attending church, praying, reading the words of the prophets...yet we aren't moving like we should. For whatever reason. And, maybe it's because we're functioning on slight dysfunction. We pray, but it's not sincere. We read, but we don't study. We are kind, but we lack charity. And changing may be uncomfortable. We may be unhappy. And that's ok.

When I was in highschool, I had to adjust. I had to change my group of friends. I knew it. And I did. It was painful. It was hard. I was unhappy. But, it was ok to be unhappy because that's what needed to be done. I was still friends with them -- just didn't hang out after school -- and I was able to meet other friends who I could hang out with all the time.

Am I saying that if there is ever a problem in our lives it's because we aren't doing what we should? No. Of course I'm not saying that. But I kind of am, I suppose. In our adjustment to becoming who we are meant to be -- who we ought to strive to become during this life -- it may be uncomfortable. Our arms may get stretched further than we let them stretch before. We may need to open our hands while we crawl instead of keeping them in tight fists. But the joy is that as we do so, and as unhappy as we may be during the process of becoming, we will begin to naturally stretch our arms and open our hands on our own. We will be able to do more.

And we'll be happy.

First Day of Therapy

2011-09-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

The morning started well. The girls slept in until 7 am....and we got up and made some oatmeal...breakfast of champions. Samantha and I left the house with this gorgeous view

We got to Now I Can and things started off great. Samantha loved the therapy room. She was running all over the room, happily yelling and smiling. But then...duh duh duuuuun....came the suit. These pictures don't show the crocodile tears that were ever flowing. She was fine though. It's hard for her to move in ways that she has never moved. Pulling her shoulders where they are supposed to be, for one, is a new feeling for her that is, well, uncomfortable. Sergio was so good with Sammy right from the beginning. He has Sammy do what she needs to do, but he does it so lovingly. Often, Samantha would be crying (or screaming), and then she'd stop and look at Sergio...kind of smile...and then turn her head and continue crying. It's a love/hate relationship that I'm sure will sprout into something deeper. At least, that's my hope.

A moment when Sammy stopped crying to gaze up at Sergio.

A happier playful moment.

I loved this. Ok. So the cords pull her body into proper alignment. Because Sammy tends to stand on her toes most of the time, there is a cord that attaches from her toes to her knee, pulling her onto her heels. I was pleasantly surprised. Without her DAFO's, she was standing so well. It just gave her enough pull for her to feel it and want to stand correctly...and feel secure doing it.

I'll have more to report tomorrow after she has her first full therapy session. Today was just 2 hours to get her fitted and evaluate where she's at...create a plan for the next 3 weeks, etc. Sooooo....come back tomorrow for a more on the therapy front.

Since we were done today by 10am, we decided to go to the Hogle Zoo. One of the coolest experiences of the day happened while at the zoo.

Callie sitting in an egg.

Sammy the turtle.

Callie chasing a rooster.

I love gorillas. I just do. I always have, ever since Gorillas in the Mist back when I was in elementary school. It's true. No, I loved gorillas before then, but that movie solidified my feelings that these animals are amazing. It's the mix of sheer strength and power with pure tenderness. I could watch gorillas all day long. Seriously. If that makes me weird, I don't want to be normal. Ok, anyway. We went into the gorilla building and started watching this big silverback. He was sitting in against the wall, watching us. Then, he got up, and slowly walked over to Callie. There were 5-6 other kids there, but this gorilla approached Callie. He came just close enough to the glass that he was almost touching it, but not quite. And he stared. I had a small surge of fear pass through me. I reassured myself that this glass was strong enough in case Callie startled him in any way. It seems so simple. Sure, a gorilla looked at her, but it was intense. It was as if he was studying her. I think she was nervous at first, but then as I talked to her about him, she seemed more comfortable.

Just as I took this picture, Marcus took Samantha out of her stroller and placed her by the gorilla. He slowly shifted from Callie to Samantha. And then, he looked at Sammy, and again, slowly, lowered himself so he was eye to eye with Samantha. It was so. cool. And he just stared. And stared. And stared. Then he left. Now I know this may seem silly, but I wondered...why is he so interested in Callie and Samantha? And what was it that piqued his interested in Samantha, so much so that he crouched down lower to be eye level? It wasn't threatening, yet it was intense. A sense of true curiousity. A while back, there was a little child who fell into a gorilla exhibit. The little child was knocked out. The gorilla approached the boy and held him safe in his arms until help came for the little boy. These animals have a tender side, and I wondered if this large silverback noticed something different about Samantha and tried to figure it out. Callie...she's just cute so he was drawn to her. Who knows? I don't know. But, it was cool. Everyone there just watched this gorilla stare into the soul of my children. Awesome. I only wish this picture had turned out better.

It was a fun day at the zoo, but we're here for therapy and tomorrow...oh tomorrow...will be an interesting day. I want to make sure to post everyday because I don't want to forget any of this. I still can't believe we're here, doing this, actually here for therapy. On the side, we're enjoying a family vacation -- spending time with family, friends, and taking these side trips. It's fun. And hopefully, the tears tomorrow in therapy morning will be minimal.

Sunday is Funday

2011-09-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

I admit. I wasn't really looking forward to today. Is that bad? I mean, it's Sunday after all. Our day of worship. A day of rest. A family day. But, I just wasn't sure how it'd all go down today, being here in Utah, not in our own place, etc. True, I was tired, so the whole day of rest thing didn't really happen...but nonetheless, it was a great day.

Morning came a bit early. I can't complain about 6 am, but I will. It was too early for me today. I got Sammy and she joined us in our room until I decided to actually get up and shower. We went to church with Bryan today. It started off great, but Sammy was a bit squirmy and had to get up. Marcus took a shift out in the hallway of the MARB (going to these old BYU buildings is so crazy), and then I took a second shift. During that time, I found a huge mirror in the bathroom that Sammy loved. So, we hung out there for awhile. I met some girl there and we talked for about 1/2 hour about her 12 year old sister who has Down Syndrome. It's funny who you meet in a bathroom and what stimulating conversation can take place.

We left after sacrament meeting. There was no way Callie and Sammy would make it through a Sunday School class of a singles' ward. Nope. No nursery. No staying. Na ma'm.

We came home and had a little lunch. Callie buried both she and Sammy in a blanket and pretended to have a sleepover. That's always a fun game.

But the fun didn't stop here. We've always talked to Callie about how she was sealed to us in the temple, and now, we happen to be staying extremely close to that same temple. So, we went down to the Provo temple and walked around. Callie enjoyed irreverently running up and down the hill (I told her she could continue to do it if she didn't scream), play in the fountains, and push Sammy's stroller.

Most of the time we were at the temple, Callie just wanted to push Sammy in her stroller.

Frequently, Samantha would turn around, looking at Callie and then us, then Callie...as if she were thinking, "Really? You think this is a good idea having her push me? Really?"

We took a family picture, because, why not? (Yes, we got a better one than this, but I like this one better because Pirate Marcus makes a guest appearance.)

Bryan met up with us there at the temple, then we moved on to Rock Canyon Park. My memories led me to believe it would be much more fun than it was. Perhaps it's because at this point I was kind of hot and really tired. But, it was nice to run around. Sammy wandered around and fell in some overly wet grass patches. Nice. We all took a turn running up and down one of the huge hills there with Callie. And Marcus went down a wet slide...bummer. Don't you hate when that happens? "Sure sweetie, I'll go down the slide with you? What? Ok, I'll go down first. ahhhhh man." Then you have wet pants. Tyler and his fiance, Lauren, met us there and we chatted for a bit. Callie met some friends on the playground and was occupied for quite some time. Sammy was just content chewing on tanbark...don't worry, she didn't swallow it. No, I'm kidding...I mean, she did chew on it, but we did intervene when we noticed it. We're only semi-neglectful I guess. (yikes)

We came back home. Cooked some dinner. Did some more pretend sleeping. And played ping pong. Sammy was having a good time. We are staying with Ciera and Steele. They are so great. They are fun and kind and love our kids. That's nice. Plus, they have a really cool niece and nephew. It was a fun night.

Though it may not look like they are thrilled in the picture below, they were all laughing so hard! They were pretending to go to the bathroom. It was so fun to watch them. And they were all having so much fun with Samantha. It's not everyday that kids feel comfortable playing with Sammy. They aren't sure about her sometimes. But these kids, with the help of Callie, figured out how to play with her. It was really cool to watch. This little girl, Brooklyn, is the same age as Sammy. I explained that it was time to settle down. I was going to get Sammy's medicine and her pajamas on. Brooklyn asked what the medicine was for, and I explained that she has seizures and tried to explain what that was. She paused, thought, and said, "I know what you can do. Jesus can heal her. He heals people and then her brain won't do that." My eyes filled up with tears and I told her, "You're right Brooklyn." That's all I could say. I wasn't sure how to explain that it was more complicated than that. And then I thought to myself, it's not really more complicated than that is it? It was an eye opening moment for me. It was sweet to hear that from a 5 year old, but it was also a good reminder of who will be healing her from all her ailments and impairments one day.

I spent some time talking with Ciera tonight. She's so sweet and I really enjoyed our little discussion about a million different things. I came downstairs and put Callie to bed, all along thinking that this was a really fun and great day. I spent time with my family, I met new friends, I felt the Spirit, and I got to close the day with Callie saying "I love you to the moon and back Mommy."